Lost Within a World That Doesn't Care
by bluebirdflyfly
Summary: Kurt failed at being strong. He had been broken for far too long and was unrepairable. *Trigger Warning: this story deals with self harm and may be a touchy subject for some.*
1. Chapter 1

**This story came to when I was having a hard time myself, and I thought it'd be better to have a fictional character cause self harm than me actually do it myself. This story deals with self harm, and even rape later on, so if these subjects make you uncomfortable, please don't read.**_**  
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><p><em>October 23, 2011 11:35 A.M<em>

The razor glittered in the bright light as shaky fingers ran over the sharp blade. Sobs echoed off the walls and white tiled floors, crowding the small bathroom with the loud sound.

Kurt's back hit the wall as he slid to the floor, his long fingers still tracing over the sharp edge. His vision was blurred as the tears spilled over his cheeks, his breath catching in his throat as he coughed out the loud cries. His knees pulled up to his chest as he stared at the razor before clenching his eyes shut and letting his head fall back to hit the wall, quieting himself as he took deep, shaky breaths to catch his breath back.

No one was home. No one was here to watch him breakdown again, to watch him fail himself, let down his family and Blaine. No one was here to save him. All he had was himself and that's how it was ever going to be.

He knew that now as he opened his eyes, the air catching in his throat for a moment as a silent sob racked his body. His head moved away from the wall, his wet eyes looking forward, to the other side of the room where the marble sink was, the toilet.

He couldn't keep his eyes closed. When he closed them no matter how hard he tried the vision of Blaine's angry face crowded his sight. His loud voice would echo in his ears, pointing out the flaws he could see in him. Then just as quickly as that one would come it'd go, leaving a heart broken boy in it's place. The hazel-green eyes wide and glassy, his curls unkempt from the many times his fingers had clawed through them. The sad, broken voice begging him for answers. Answers Kurt couldn't give him.

He had tried to be strong. For his family, for his friends, for Blaine. But he had been broken too long. Broken longer than they thought, and was unrepairable. His life just kept taking a downward spiral and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

But that's what the razor was for. That's what would give him the strength he needed; that's what would finally stop the downward spiral, the pain.

Kurt had stopped, but he needed this. He needed the sharp pain of the blade ripping into his skin to stop the dull pain that never left. He needed the numbness that followed. Needed the significance of the red against his pale skin.

No matter how hard he tried he wouldn't be perfect. He wouldn't be good enough for anyone. All he would be is trash. Trash to be used and rejected. Trash to be abused and broken. He was nothing, and he was now accepting that. But he believed he was stronger than that. He believed he was strong enough to stop the abuse, stop the feeling of uselessness. Though he also knew he wasn't strong enough to survive this life, he never deserved this life. If he wasn't strong enough to lead it, then he didn't belong here. He knew he was strong enough to finally take away his burden, and finally be strong enough to pull away from the uselessness inside.

Kurt worried his lip between his teeth for a moment as a tear or two fell down his cheek. He shouldn't have ever gotten attached. Should have never liked this boy, the boy who traipsed in and stole his broken heart in one quick step. The boy who tried to mend the pieces without knowing he was shattered and wasn't able to be repaired. He should have been pulled away, shut him out even more. But no. He failed and let the boy in. And now here he was. Heartbroken. A liar. A cheater. A victim. A bully.

He placed his left hand wrist in front of his sight, resting it on his knee. He bent his hand back, letting the dark vein pop out and make it's presence known. Kurt lifted a finger, running it along the fragile life source as he bit down a bit too hard on his lip. He ran his tongue along his now sore lip; just another pain to deal with. He trained his gaze on the metal in his hand as he pressed the blade into the skin on the side of his wrist. Pressing down a bit harder, he sighed, the familiar sharp pain of the blade breaking the skin taking place.

He knew how this worked. Don't cut too deep, watch the vein, make sure not to hit it. He'd done it so many times. He knew that the pain would soon come back. The numbing pain of the cuts were never enough to keep the mental, internal pain that would take over once again.

But not this time.

Kurt didn't hide these cuts, he wanted everyone to see what they did. To see the pain they had caused. This time he wasn't going to watch how deep he went. This time he wasn't going to be careful of the veins he knew were there.

This time the pain wouldn't continue. This time the pain would end.

He had nothing else to live for; ruining his life piece by piece till he was left alone. He had no reason to keep on going. Had nothing to stop him from taking away his last breath.

He watched as the bright red blood trailed after the razor, oozing down his wrist as he cut along the skin. The vein was overlooked, his gaze growing fuzzy as he zoned out, letting the razor cut all the way through. The pain was beginning to numb, Kurt beginning to back away into his secluded mind, where he would stay, away from the pain and heart ache till it all ended. Till it all stopped.

He closed his eyes his hand moving mechanically, cutting in again. Blaine was there again, behind his closed eyelids. The moments of hate and heartbreak flashing back and forth in front of Kurt. He could hear the words, his voice, yelling and screaming. Wanting the truth. Wanting Kurt to finally stop lying.

_"Why can't you tell me what's wrong! You've curled in on yourself and kept me out! Kurt, you need me, but you won't let me help!"_

Kurt felt the blade cut into a new piece of skin, a new jolt of pain rushing up his arm.

_"I'm tired of you never telling me anything! What's the point of having a relationship without trust. I'm over this, Kurt."_

_I'm over this_…, Kurt had taken that for Blaine breaking up with him. Of course, Kurt didn't blame him. He never deserved him in the first place. He was damaged goods and did nothing but ruin Blaine's life. He had been waiting for Blaine to finally break everything off with him.

_"Why can't you just tell me. Why won't you let me in. Please. Let me help you."_

Kurt sucked in a breath, fumbling in the wet of his blood to grip the razor feebly in his already cut up hand. He cut into his right hand wrist quicker than last time, wanting things to hurry. Without opening his eyes he knew that blood was already covering him.

Blaine's broken face was still in his mind, the statement said in the pleading, begging voice still echoing. But Kurt had just stared at the door behind Blaine, his hands curled around himself. He couldn't let Blaine help him. All he'd do was break Blaine even more, and he couldn't do that.

This was for the best.

Tears began to make their way down his face again, as he tried to let everything become numb. It wasn't working quick enough.

The pain of hands against his body, the feel of cold lockers against his skin were beginning to crowd his mind. The screams, yells, taunts as everyone else made their way through the school day.

The feel of the lips against his neck; the rough hands against his face, arms, legs. The feel of the rough fingers against his hips, the fingers that had left disgusting bruises. The fingers that had uncaringly prepared him, prepared him for the pain and the guilt. His own muffled screams from the past filled his ears as he bit his tongue to stop present screams from bubbling up.

The horrible memories were making themselves known. Before Kurt finally went numb and was able to forget them, they were there to remind him of how much he had messed up. To remind him he was nothing but trash.

Finally Kurt felt the numbness take over. Felt the familiarness of everything leave his body, to leave him empty, emotionless.

But this was a new numbness, a numbness that would get worse. His memories were fading, his thoughts quiet and almost forgotten. He was oblivious to the things around him. He knew that soon, everything would be gone. The thoughts, the memories. Everything.

Far away, as if in another world, he heard sounds. Sounds like a door slamming, of loud foot steps. Which couldn't be because no one was home, because no one cared.

Then he heard words, words he couldn't make out but he knew they were words. The voice made it's way to his eyes mixed and rearranged, not letting Kurt recognize, as if he was under water while the other was above ground.

But none of this mattered. His mind was just imagining this.

No one cared about him.

It was over now, and his mind had given Kurt what he wanted.

To hear Blaine's voice once more time, even if he had just imagined it.

It's what he wanted.

His thoughts had finally blanked, he had finally drifted into the complete numbness he had wanted to achieve.


	2. Chapter 2

_October 23, 2011 11:26 A.M_

Blaine didn't want this. Blaine hadn't wanted to start a fight with Kurt.

He hated fighting with his boyfriend. He loved him so much that it literally ached inside ever time he was cross towards the other boy. But here he sat, on his bed with his head in his hands, shaking his head. Regretting the day before.

Kurt was just being so secretive, even more secretive than before and Blaine couldn't handle it. As Kurt's boyfriend, he felt obliged to make Kurt's life bright and happy. It was his job to get the boy smiling everyday in the way that caused Blaine's stomach to flip-flop. Now no matter how hard he tried, Kurt's face stayed in the same down trodden stare, like everything had been ripped from his life. Like a child who woke up on Christmas morning only to find nothing under the Christmas tree. Blaine hated that look, and now it wouldn't go away. He tried his best, but the most he got out of his boyfriend was a quiet chuckle or a minuscule smile that barely pulled at the corners of his lips.

Then confronting the boy happened and then everything spiraled out of control. He didn't mean for it to go so far, for him to yell at the boy who had shrunk in on himself and stood dejected before him. He just wanted to be able to touch and kiss and hold his boyfriend without him pulling away or flinching, even moving his hands forcefully away at times. Blaine stayed as gentlemanly as possible, going at Kurt's slow pace, but when Kurt was writhing beneath him, his face flushed, it was hard not to control his hips or hands. Then Kurt would be across the room, shivering against the wall, and Blaine would feel like he messed up.

Like he forced Kurt too far and too fast.

He hated that feeling. It churned at his stomach, gnawing it's way up his throat.

So he had confronted him and ruined both their lives. He had pushed Kurt away, telling him it was over. Kurt hadn't done anything, he stood across from him, his arms wrapped around himself. Blaine could almost literally see the walls closing behind his boyfriend's eyes. Keeping him out even more.

Just the thought caused Blaine to whimper, his fingers clawing through his dark curls. He had forgotten to gel them this morning, and now the feeling of the soft curls between his fingers caused a sharp ache somewhere in the cavity of his chest. Kurt loved when Blaine left his curls un-gelled giving him something to play with, to run his hands through. He constantly scolded Blaine when he gelled his locks back.

For the last two days he had wanted nothing more than to pull that boy in his arms and never let him go. But it was over now and it was because he had to yell. All he wanted to do was help.

His phone rang, knocking him out of his thoughts as he glanced over at the phone on his nightstand. He reached over, taking a deep breath before hitting the 'answer' button. "Hello?" Damn, his voice still shook slightly with the suppressed sobs.

_"Hello? Blaine?"_

Blaine's eyebrows pulled down as he looked confusedly into the room. Why was Finn calling him? He was sure that Kurt would have told everyone what had happened and they'd all hate him, even then Finn never really was a big fan of Blaine. He barely ever spoke to him so why call him? "Finn? What's up?"

_"Nothing, I was actually just heading out with Rachel-"_ Blaine's chest ached as he thought over how Kurt and him would probably have joined them in their escapades. _"-but I was hoping you'd do something for me?"_

"And that would be?" Blaine drawled. Finn liked to take his good old time getting to the subject, but at the moment Blaine really didn't have the patience for his words.

_"Well, I know you and Kurt into quite a large fight. And I don't know if you guys broke up or not, but Kurt's been really down an moping around the house. Burt's been keeping a watch on him and my mom has been keeping an eye on him and all. But my mom went back to the hospital and Burt's at the shop-"_

"Finn," Blaine interjected, sighing as he rubbed circles into his temples with his thumb and pointer finger, "just skip to the favor, please."

_"I was hoping maybe you'd check up on Kurt. He's been up in his room all day and I worry about him..."_ Finn had let everything fall silent as Blaine worried his bottom lip between his teeth. He was probably the last person Kurt wanted to see, but he also really needed to apologize. He needed to be able to hold him in his arms again- if Kurt took him back. _"Blaine?"_

"Yeah-" Blaine said, startling himself back into reality. "I'll go check on him in a little bit. The spare key-?"

_"I think it's still on the windowsill."_

"Okay, thanks."

_"No, thank you. Kurt's been way too depressed for my liking. He really needs you... Ever since the fight-"_

"I get it, Finn." Blaine said, sighing as he ran his tongue over his bottom lip. "I'll go over in a bit. Say 'hi' to Rachel for me."

_"Will do, 'bye."_

"Yeah, 'bye," Blaine hit 'end' and stared at his phone. He still wondered how much Kurt had told him, but it surprised him to even know Kurt told him. Kurt never told anyone anything. He instead would subside into himself and close everything off, keeping everything inside.

Blaine dragged himself off his bed and pulled on a pair of sweats, slipping on his old Dalton sweatshirt. It was October, just beginning to get cold in Ohio. Soon the snow would begin to fall and everything would be beautiful. He wanted nothing more than to make everything right so Kurt and him could have their first Christmas together.

He had slipped on his casual black Vans as he called out to his mom, his voice echoing in the large house to let her know where he was going. His mother appeared in the hallway, her wet hands twisting a towel. She gave him a sympathetic smile, "Goodbye, Hun. Don't stay out too late."

Blaine loved how optimistic his mom was. Even though he had explained what had happened and how it was all his fault, she still believed Kurt would take him back. She was so cute at times.

The drive to Lima was antagonizing. He spent the ride with the radio off, his fingers tapping off a beat on the steering wheel. He constantly checked himself in the review mirror, his hands constantly dragging through his curls. He looked like a mess, and being clad in the lazy attire didn't help; he just didn't want to put in the usual effort today.

He pulled into the driveway, his eyes scanning over the modest two story house. So many memories swirled around this quiet home, causing Blaine to absolutely adore it. Even more than his own large home.

He got out of his car, finding his way to the windowsill of the window closest to the door, his fingers searching against the glass till they bumped the cold metal. He picked up the key, turning to unlock the door, hurrying into the house to get away from the cold breeze that was seeping into his clothes. He rapped his knuckle against the wood of the door as he closed it, the key placed in his sweatpants pocket. He got no answer as he walked farther into the house, everything so quiet. _He's in his room_, Blaine thought, hurrying to the staircase and taking two steps at a time up to the second floor. He was biting his lip as he walked down the hallway to Kurt's room, his heart in his throat as he thought over what to say. He needed to apologize perfectly, to make Kurt believe him or else he would never get this chance again. The wood of Kurt's door was now against the palms of Blaine's hands, as he hung his head for a moment, his eyes closed in thought. He curled the fingers of his right hand and knocked on Kurt's door. When he got no answer, he knocked again, louder this time while calling softly, "Kurt? It's Blaine."

Still no answer.

_This is weird_, Blaine's brow furrowed as he grabbed the door handle and twisted, the door popping open effortlessly. He leaned around to look into the room, calling Kurt softly. He began to panic as he stepped onto the carpet and didn't see Kurt anywhere. His bed was perfectly made, everything put away as always. The last place to look was his bathroom, which Blaine's eyes were settled on now. The door was closed but he could see the glow of yellow light at the crack at the bottom. He made it to the bathroom door in a couple long strides, his fingers wrapping around the door knob, his other hand knocking against the wood. "Kurt?"

No answer.

Blaine twisted the knob and pushed at the door; it didn't budge.

It was locked.

Blaine slapped his palm against the door, still rattling the doorknob. "Open the door! Kurt!" He was yelling again as he pushed at the door that still wasn't giving way. He stepped back and braced himself, shaking his head at himself for what he was going to do. His luck Kurt would be in the shower and just not hearing him, but he didn't hear any water running...

Blaine rushed at the door, placing his shoulder against the wood, grunting at the impact. He heard a crack and the door swung open, slamming against the wall. He ran into the room, stopping as he hit the tile.

Suddenly he was in a dream. The sight before him couldn't be real. It just couldn't.

Kurt was on the floor, his back against the wall. His knees were pulled to his chest, one of his wrists now resting on the floor, the razor covered in blood and laying on the floor.

And the blood. It was all over. It covered the boys pants and shirt, pooled around him; soaking his socks and wrists that were slashed multiple times. The red contrasted against the white of the tile floor sickeningly well, bright and just _there_.

Blaine felt bile rise up his throat as he took in sight, but it only took a few seconds for him to react. He slid across the floor, the sick feeling of the blood seeping into the material of his sweat pants making his stomach turn. "Kurt!" he yelled, grabbing the boy by his shoulders and shaking him, only causing his head to flop back and forth. Blaine's eyes burned with unshed tears as he pulled the boy toward him and against his chest. He was so cold.

"Kurt, come on. Come on," he muttered, pulling away and pulling off his sweatshirt, wrapping it around Kurt's wrist after examining the deep gashes. He pulled off his shirt next and tied that tightly around his other slashed wrist. He fumbled in his pocket, Kurt's body leaning against his chest as he got a hold of his phone.

Everything was rushing and spinning around him as he called 911, then Finn. He was sobbing by the time his phone slipped out of his blood slicked hand and hit the floor, laying in the large puddle of blood. _What if he was too late?_

He couldn't be. No. He couldn't. Blaine clutched to Kurt, soaked in his blood as he sobbed into the boy's brown locks. He ran shaky fingers through his hair, murmuring softly as if he could hear him. His eyes continued to let tears spill out as he looked at his hands, his stomach churning at the sight of the red liquid. _What else could he do? What else could he do?_

It seemed like forever till men began to rush into the room. Everything spun as Blaine was pulled roughly away from Kurt, and pulled up to his feet. He tried to look back at his boyfriend, not noticing that he was still crying silently.

_"He's in shock."_Blaine heard the voice but couldn't match it to anyone he knew. A pair of hands clutched his shoulders, causing him to look around and at the middle-aged man in front of him. He was gazing at Blaine with wide, but stern blue eyes. Blue eyes... Kurt had blue eyes.

The grip on his shoulders tightened as he felt his knees go weak. The man was talking but Blaine couldn't hear and wasn't listening. He just wanted to make sure Kurt was okay.

"I need to go with him," Blaine mumbled.

"Son, you're soaked in blood. It'd be best to get you in new clothes and bathed before you go anywhere," the man spoke, watching Blaine, his stern gaze softening.

"No, no. He's my boyfriend. I have to- no. Let me go. Please." Blaine suddenly clutched at the man's arms. He began to beg, he couldn't let Kurt go through this alone. "Please, please, let me go with Kurt."

"I can't let you-"

"Please!" Blaine yelled, pushing against the man's chest, causing him to stumble back.

"Now, young man!"

"Kurt can't go alone, he won't know what to do, he'll be scared when he wakes up," Blaine stepped around the man and followed the trail of blood drops as he hurried down the stairs an outside. Kurt was on a stretcher being lifted into the ambulance.

He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, "I'm sorry but only family is allowed to go."

"No!" Blaine yelled out, shaking out of his grip and running to the vehicle. "Please, let me go." He cried as he saw two men step out of the ambulance. "Please, he's my boyfriend and I need to be there with him. His dad or brother won't be there fast enough. Please."

The men looked at him for a moment, one of them glancing at the man at the door. One nodded, a man with red hair and a slight mustache; Blaine noticed so he'd remember to thank him, and motioned to the open door. "Be careful and don't touch him."

"I won't, just thank you, thank you," Blaine spluttered out, pulling himself into the vehicle. He sat on a bench, his knees bent too close, almost touching the stretcher Kurt was laid out on. Blood was still seeping into the material of Blaine's sweatshirt and shirt, causing Blaine to wince at the amount he was seeing.

A man appeared, sitting by the stretcher, shifting around to grab machines and medical things that Blaine couldn't name in the flurry of moments. "I'm Donathan, you can call me Don, though."

Blaine blinked, noticing that the man- Don- had held out a hand. An oxygen mask was placed over Kurt's mouth, helping him breath as Blaine glanced up. He shakily reached out and clasped his bloody hand with the paramedic's equally bloody one and shook it quickly before retracting his hand right away. "'M Blaine." Blaine muttered, curling his arms around himself and looking down at his blood soaked knees.

"This is very scary, I know, but you have to hold it together, you got that? If your boyfriend makes it out alive, I need you to be able to be strong for him and not break down. He'll be confused and in a lot of pain and seeing you cry won't help."

Blaine nodded, before widening his eyes and glancing up. "Wait- if... _If_he makes it out alive? You mean when he wakes up. Right?"

Don's eyes softened as he looked at Blaine, "Blaine, I don't want to lie to you. This boy here-"

"Kurt. His name is Kurt."

"Okay, Kurt, has cut deep and hit a major vein. In not only one arm, but both. He has lost a lot of blood. And these-" his fingers touched the sweatshirt, "-are helping keep him alive at the moment. But he has a very slim chance."

Blaine's mind suddenly went fuzzy as he stared at the man. He began to shake, his eyes burning before tears began to roll down his cheeks. And it was all his fault. All his fault that Kurt had went and killed himself.

"Blaine? Son?"

"I-I-" Blaine struggled for breath as he blinked multiple times, trying to clear his vision. Then suddenly everything went black, and Blaine slumped over on the bench.

_October 23, 2011 12:15 P.M_

Blaine was standing in the waiting room when Finn and Burt came running into the hospital. Blaine hadn't changed, still in his blood soaked clothes, even though multiple hospital personnel asked him to change so he wouldn't make anyone in the waiting room uncomfortable. But Blaine had been too numb to try and change and he wouldn't allow anyone to touch him when he had awoken. The older man pulled Blaine right into his arms just as Blaine burst into a fresh round of warm tears. He clutched at Burt, his fingers balling the material of his coat. Finn stared at Blaine wide-eyed, his eyes drifting over his body, the blood caked clothes.

Carole showed up after a minute, still dressed in her hospital garb. She hurried over to Burt who was still holding the shaking boy. "Blaine... Honey..." she murmured soothingly, eyeing the bloody boy. She patted Burt's arm and he let go reluctantly to let Blaine fall into Carole's motherly arms. Burt's face was red as he watched the exchange, Finn clasping a hand on his shoulder as he watched a tear roll down the aged man's face.

"Where's the doctor," Burt said gruffly, going over to peer into the empty receptionist desk. "This is a hospital for God sakes. There should be people here to talk to us!" He was yelling as he slammed his palm on the desk. A lady in the waiting room jumped and slid down in her chair, hiding her face behind an old gossip magazine.

"Burt, please," Carole hissed, narrowing her eyes at her husband.

"Burt," came Blaine's shaky voice as he straightened up and stepped out of Carole's embrace. He curled his arms around himself, sniffling as tears streamed silently down his cheeks, making clean streaks in the blood. "They have Kurt back there checking his w-wrists. They may have to do st-stitching and things... And- and-" Blaine's hand slapped against his mouth as he lurched towards the small trash can in the corner.

Finn winced at the sound of Blaine gagging into the wastebasket. Burt's eyes stayed fixed on the desk, growling softly under his breath. _Why wasn't there a women here? Where was the god damned doctor._

Carole was kneeling on the floor beside Blaine, her hand resting on his upper back as he continued to retch, dry heaving once his stomach was empty. He stayed leaning over the garbage, his eyes clenched shut. "Blaine, I'm going to go get you clothes and ask to use a staff locker room. Stay here."

"And get a god damn doctor out here to tell me about my son!" Burt bellowed as she swerved around the desk and around a corner and out of sight.

"Wait..." Finn muttered, his brain working slowly to take everything in. "Stitching his wrists- wait? Did Kurt-" Finn's jaw worked as he thought over his answer. "Did Kurt c-cut himself?"

Blaine tensed at the garbage can, feeling his stomach heave again at Finn's words. Burt looked at Blaine and nodded once for Finn to understand. Blaine began to gag into the wastebasket again as Finn made a face. He looked around the room, taking in the poor figures who were slumped in the chair having to deal with the catastrophe going on.

Carole came back to the room, clothes bundled in her arms and two women following close behind. "Advantages of working at a hospital," she said quickly as she passed Burt.

"Where's the-" Burt began before he was cut off by one of the women.

"He's in the room with your son, sir. He cannot talk at the moment."

Burt narrowed his eyes at her, before sighing and taking off his ball cap to run his hands over his bald head.

"Blaine, come on. Let's get you changed," Carole said soothingly as she rubbed soft circles into Blaine's back. Blaine pulled back from the wastebasket and stood up, Carole handing him the clothes. "I'll take you back to the locker room and help you. And no protesting-" Carole stated, holding up a manicured finger to silence Blaine as he opened his mouth. "I'm not leaving you alone at the moment."

Blaine was defeated as he let his head hang. He felt Carole's firm hand against the small of his back leading him out of the waiting room.

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><p><strong>I have this actually written up to chapter 6 on the Scarves and Coffee website. And that will probably be updated before this every time. Just a heads up.<strong>

**And if you have any questions or comments that you don't wanna make on here, or if you just wanna get to know me, I have a Tumblr: turtlestotherescue(dot)tumblr(dot)com**

**My ask box is always open :D**


	3. Chapter 3

_October 23, 2011 2:45 P.M_

A couple hours felt like years to the Hummel-Hudson family as they waited for news of Kurt. Blaine had taken the shower, quiet and fast, blushing as Carole helped him get together. He had broken down in the shower, cowering against the cool wall, curling in on himself as he sobbed against his wet knees as Carole stood outside the shower debating on whether to go in and hold him. But he wasn't her son and she didn't want to intrude, or make the boy feel uncomfortable.

He had tried to play it off as she discreetly handed him a towel, rubbing the towel roughly against his face and body, trying to wash off the feeling of Kurt's blood on his skin away. He was clad in hospital scrubs, blue and original, as he stepped out of the shower, his eyes downcast as he handed the clothes to Carole. Since then he had been mute, curled on an uncomfortable hospital chair, his knees to his chest. His arms were curled tightly around his legs as he looked off into space, zoning out. The nurse at the desk mentioned something to Burt about Blaine still being in shock over what he had witnessed and how he would get over it soon enough, though the hopeless look on her face didn't help anyone's mood.

When an official looking man rounded the corner finally, Burt's head snapped up from it's position in his hands. He stood up quickly, his eyes searching the man for an answer right away. Carole was already at Burt's side, her hand squeezing at his shoulder while Finn was slumped back in a chair, his mouth hanging open as his head lay propped against the wall, occasional snores bubbling up his throat. Burt opened his mouth to speak, but he could only work his jaw as nothing came out. He was terrified to ask and scared to hear the answer.

"You must be Mr. Hummel. I'm Dr. Trenson. I was working on your son-" he glanced down at the papers he had clipped against a clipboard, flipping one up.

"Kurt," came a soft voice. Dr. Trenson glanced up at Blaine, who was now watching him; still in the same position.

"Yes. Kurt. Um, he's fine at the moment. We have him hooked up to a drip that is feeding him medicine that is keeping him numb and out of as much pain as possible. I can tell you details on what happened when I get you into his room and out of a public area... But without that boy, your son wouldn't have survived. He got there just in time and helped stop the flow of blood. I'm proud of you." The doctor's gaze was directed on Blaine who just stared blankly back. "Well, I can take you back to Kurt's room but he's not responsive at the moment. He has some strong medicine in him that could keep him out for hours."

"I want to go see my son," was Burt's gruff reply.

"We can just leave Finn here and come back and get him." Carole gestured to the large boy as she nodded towards Blaine, "Come on."

"As much as I hate to say this, he's not allowed back here. Family only at the moment."

Burt narrowed his eyes at the doctor, but Blaine just sat in his seat, not having moved at all. "You just said so yourself that he saved Kurt's life. Don't you think that it'd be fair to let him go back and see the boy he helped?"

"Hospital pol-"

"Fuck the hospital policy!" Burt yelled.

"Burt!" Carole gasped, her hand squeezing his arm. "Please, calm down!"

Dr. Trenson looked taken aback as he stared at Burt. "Excuse me-"

"No-" Burt began but was cut off sharply by Carole.

"Look, Rick, I know you're just going by the rules, but you need to let Blaine come back with us. Ignore my husband and his sudden dislike of manners. But Kurt means a lot to Blaine and keeping him away from him is a terrible thing to do at the moment. Especially when he was the one to find him like that. Please, just bend the rules slightly for this one time. For me?" Carole was giving Dr. Trenson a look of hope. Since she worked at this hospital, she knew him out of work and it was helping her, as she saw the man's stern facade fall slightly.

"Fine, but do not mention this to anyone," he sighed as Carole smiled. He gave a weak smile back and winked with a chuckle. It was a dark moment to be smiling and laughing, but Carole needed some happiness to be leaked into the dampened mood of the waiting room.

"Blaine." Carole reached out. He stared at her hand for a moment before stretching out his legs and clasping her hand. He felt her fingers squeeze his, a warm feeling curling in his stomach for a moment before he remembered why he was there.

His eyes stayed trained on the scuffed floor as they were lead towards Kurt's room. He still felt Carole's reassuring hand in his, keeping him together for the moment as he tried to take deep breaths. Kurt was alright. That's all that mattered.

"Now, about Kurt's condition." Dr. Trenson said, stopping in front of a door with a _206_placed in the middle of the polished wood.

Blaine stared at the door, knowing that Kurt was just behind those doors. He wanted nothing more than to go in and curl up next to him, to have him be able to hug him back. "Um... Can I go in?" Everyone looked back at Blaine, surprised he spoke. The doctor's eyebrows were raised from him interrupting his speaking. "Please... I don't care about how he's doing, or what happened, and how he mutilated himself." Blaine winced faintly at his own words. "I just want to see him."

Carole's fingers squeezed Blaine's again before letting go of his hand patting his back softly. "Of course, honey. We'll be in soon."

Blaine nodded, a sudden rush of cold spreading over him after the warmth of Carole's hand disappeared. Would he be able to do this alone? He turned the doorknob and quietly made his way into the room. It wasn't the most comfy room, the only things placed in it being monitors that constantly beeped, a single bed settled in the middle against the wall, an old looking tv hanging in the corner and a small white board hanging on a wall that had medicine dosages and names written on it in sloppy writing. Blaine's eyes drifted over the room in seconds before landing on the bed. He took slow steps forward, his hands shaking before he clasped them together to try and steady them. He swallowed loudly as he closed his eyes for a moment before finally looking at his boyfriend, reaching out a hand to rest it on the crocheted blue blanket laid over the sheets.

Kurt looked horrible, his skin paler than normal, a scary white that almost seemed see through. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes circled by deep bruises that seemed to be permanently pressed into the fragile flesh. His wrists were wrapped in thick white bandages, making his arms look frail; like they would be able to be broken with one soft touch. His chest moved slowly up and down along with the monitors beside him, his head slightly rolling to the side.

Blaine bit his bottom lip, turning to grab a chair and pull it up to the bed, sitting down and leaning forward. He didn't want to touch Kurt, didn't want to break him or cause him anymore pain than he was already in. He rested a hand on the stiff mattress and let his fingers crawl over to Kurt's hand that was closest to him. He carefully hooked the ends of his fingers against Kurt's, savoring the feeling of his skin against his boyfriend's. Blaine remembered what the paramedic had said, to stay strong and not let Kurt see him break down. But Kurt was knocked out, for hours according to the doctor. That gave him plenty of time to get the tears out of his system, because no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop the tear that rolled down his cheek. He took in a shuddery breath and tilted his head down, ashamed. Ashamed that he couldn't hold it together. Ashamed that he couldn't get there in time to stop him. Ashamed that he made Kurt want to hurt himself.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, sniffling as he looked up at Kurt's form. Tears had begun to trail down his face, falling to the blanket. "I wish I could have been there. I wish I was holding you in my arms and kissing away the pain. Or even just holding you to keep you safe. I should have kept you safe. I shouldn't have started the fight... I shouldn't have yelled. I'm just s-so sorry, Kurt." Blaine's voice broke as he said Kurt's name, his breath catching in his throat slightly as he took a deep breath. "Please be okay. Please come back to me. I want to apologize when you can hear me. I want you to take me back, though you shouldn't. You have no reason to. But I just want you to be okay and healthy and happy. Just please, wake up and tell me you still love me."

Blaine bent his head and rested it on the bed and began to cry, his body shaking with the sobs. He let his fingertips move away from Kurt's hand and rested his palm on the bed next to Kurt's thigh, his fingers clenching around the blanket slightly. He couldn't stay strong. He wasn't able to stay strong without Kurt by his side. He _needed _him.

Blaine startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder, looking back to see Burt standing over him. "I-I'm sorry," Blaine said, his voice rough as he looked away.

"Why are you apologizing?" Burt asked, his eyes gazing over the boy's face before his ducked from his sight.

"Because I'm not strong enough. I shouldn't be crying. I should be strong. Strong for Kurt." He muttered, blushing softly.

Burt sighed and shook his head, his heart aching as he kneeled down on his knee with a soft grunt. "Blaine- hey. Look at me." Blaine was forced to look at Burt when he felt his hand press against his cheek. "Don't apologize for being human. It's okay to cry, to break down and get it out of your system. You need to. Kurt doesn't need you to be strong, he just needs you here and that's enough."

"But you haven't cried..." Blaine murmured, his voice quiet.

"I've had practice," Burt's voice went low, his eyes shifting away for a moment. "Just because I'm not crying now doesn't mean I haven't. He's my son, my only son. I did break down once and I doubt it will be the last time. But right now I have to be his father and take care of Carole and Finn. You have no one to take care of but yourself at the moment. I want to see you cry. I want to know that you care about my son. And I'm sure Kurt wants to know you care about him too. I know how this feels, like it's tearing you apart inside. Like... If you lose Kurt you'll have nothing to live for. You'll be dead inside. But don't think like that. You aren't going to lose him. Get the tears out now so Kurt will have all the happiness and love _when _he wakes up."

Blaine nodded and sniffled, his gaze falling to the floor. The door opened and Carole came walking in, bottles of water balanced in her hands. She saw the sight before her and stopped for a moment, her heart clenching at the moment. "Are you boys okay?" She said softly, not wanting to break the "bonding" moment.

Blaine's gaze snapped to her and she saw tears streaming down his face and her look softened as she walked forward. "Yeah, we're fine," came Burt's reply as he stood up with another grunt.

"I brought water." Carole smiled, handing Burt a bottle and letting Blaine take the other. She rested her hand on Blaine's back and smoothed circles over his shirt, looking over Kurt. "Everything will be fine. He'll get better."

Blaine looked up at her with watery hazel-green eyes that were two sizes bigger than they should be. "I hope you're right," he said quietly before looking back at the bed. Carole hoped she was right too, because she would never be able to look Blaine in the eyes again if he lost Kurt.


	4. Chapter 4

_October 23, 2011 9:50 P.M_

"Blaine, it's time for us to leave."

Blaine glanced up at Carole, still sitting in the same chair from earlier. Burt stood by the hospital door, watching them as he crossed his arms, Finn having left a couple hours earlier for football practice. "What? Why? We can't leave him alone."

"Visiting hours are over and only one person can stay with Kurt. Burt was going to stay with him tonight." Carole explained, moving her hand away from the boy's back.

Blaine stared at her wide-eyed before sending a panicked look towards Burt. "No, please."

"What?"

"Please, let me stay. Please. I know I've asked so much of everyone today and yes, I know he's your son. But I really need to be here when he wakes up. I have to. I'm begging you!" He was looking back and forth from Carole to Burt, his eyes wide.

Carole looked back at Burt, her hands folded in front of her as she waited for a reaction from her husband. "I don't know..." was Burt's quiet response.

"I get it, he's your son and you want to be here but... Please. I just need to be here. I need to be able to apologize as soon as possible. I need to be able to see his eyes when he finally opens them. I need to." Blaine was clutching the arm of the chair, his knuckles white as he begged. "This will be the last thing I ask of you, just please. Give me tonight."

Carole looked at the boy who was in absolute distress over leaving Kurt before looking back at Burt. "Burt, I think we should let him stay. You need your sleep anyway. And being at this hospital won't get you any and I don't want you snapping on nurses and doctors again tomorrow. And it won't be good for your back nor heart. I think it'd be for the best."

Burt was conflicted as he looked between the two before sighing and nodding. "Fine. But I'll be back in the morning. And if he wakes up, call me and tell me how he's doing," he demanded as he walked towards Blaine.

"Of course, Burt. Anything. Just thank you," Blaine said in a rush, nodding his head quickly.

"Come here," Burt said, motioning for Blaine to stand. Blaine gave him a weary look before standing up from his chair. When Burt motioned for him to come closer, he took a long stride ending up in Burt's outstretched arms. They hugged for a moment, Blaine's eyes closing tightly against the onslaught of tears he felt burn at his eyes. "Try and get some sleep. You need it." Burt muttered, pulling away and ruffling Blaine's curls, long since dried.

Blaine nodded before Carole pulled him in for a quick hug and kissed his cheek. "I'll take you out for lunch tomorrow if you'd like. You'll need food after not eating for the last 12 hours."

Blaine nodded once again, murmuring a 'thank you', though he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep or eat with the vision of Kurt laying bloody and cut up against the wall burned into his eyelids. Burt and Carole both said their goodbyes, Blaine giving a small wave as they finally left the room and closed the door.

Once they were gone, Blaine slumped into his chair, running his hands over his face with a sigh. He was exhausted, but just letting his eyes fall closed for just a second caused the vision of Kurt in the bathroom to return. He would be able to go without sleep for a while, he just needed to see Kurt wake up. Needed to know he was fine before he could rest soundly without the terrible thoughts crowding his poor, over thought mind.

He leaned forward, resting his forehead on the edge of the bed with a sigh. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to think of anything but the sight from earlier. _Rainbows, bunnies, kittens, unicorns, ANYTHING!_

Blaine was nothing but a screw up. And he knew that. He messed up and torn his family apart. He had lost friends. And now here he was. Sitting in the hospital next to the boy who had tried to kill himself over a fight they had. Blaine thought it was kind of selfish to think that Kurt had slashed his wrists over the fight, but, that he knew of, nothing else had happened to make him so depressed. Blaine was just a fuck up, and that's all he'd ever be. No matter how hard he tried.

He could see the scene once again as his thoughts began to disperse to bring the memories back into play. The blood surrounding the body, the ugly gashes across Kurt's frail wrists. The look on his face as his head fell back against the wall with a smack, the look that continued to stay there even when Blaine shook him. He could see the sick way his body just flopped around in his hands, his head rolling side to side. It was all coming back too soon. But this time, he couldn't help him. Suddenly the memories turned into a nightmare. He couldn't find his phone, his hands slipping in the blood as he tried to find it. His shirts weren't able to hold in any of the blood gushing from the cuts, pouring onto the floor and surrounding them. The tiles now covered in blood, the puddle growing larger as he continued to fumble around for the way to call for help. When he couldn't find it he gave up, turning back to Kurt who had slumped onto the ground and was now laying in the blood. Blaine scooped his body up and held it against his own, crying and screaming for someone to help, anyone. He looked down at his boyfriend's face, his head slumped backwards, his mouth hanging open. Suddenly blood began to leak from his eyes and ears, then began to gush from between his lips and all over Blaine. It coursed over his face, up his nose, in his eyes, dampening his hair. Blaine cried out in disgust as the blood covered his face and upper body. Kurt's form fell from his arms, falling with a sick smack into the blood. Blaine began to scream again, "Help! Help me, please! Anyone!" He looked down at Kurt's body, blood gushing out from his face and wrists, the floor covered in the liquid, leaking out through the bottom of the bathroom door. Kurt's eyes flew open, but not the usual blue-green of the stormy sea Blaine loved so much, not even close. His eyes were red, glazed over in his own blood, no white visible. He began to scream, a high pitched screech that hurt Blaine's ears. Blaine put his hands against his ears and tried to block out the sound. He heard his name being yelled as opened his eyes to see Kurt's body sinking into the blood like it was sinking under water.

"Blaine! Help me!" Kurt's voice was high pitched and screechy, his red eyes wide as he reached out a helpless hand. Blaine reached for it, gripping onto it before it slipped out, their hands slick with blood.

"Kurt!" Blaine screamed as Kurt's body sunk under the red liquid.

Blaine woke up with a start, gasping loudly as he pushed back from the bed. His body was shaking and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He didn't even know when he had fallen asleep, but he planned to never do it again as long as he lived. He closed his eyes for a moment, evening out his breathing with deep, quick breaths to calm himself.

Blaine stood up and walked to the bathroom, opening the door and groaning as he flicked on the bright florescent light. He walked over to the sink, turning the cold water knob as he braced his hands against the marble, watching the water crashing against the bottom of the basin. He looked up into the mirror above him to take in his darkened eyes, the bruises below them more prominent then he'd ever seen them. So much stress for a 17 year old. Just too much. He cupped his hands under the stream of freezing water and tossed it up into his face, running his hands over his skin before tossing another handful. He turned the water off, grabbing a white towel from the rack and patting his face dry. He walked back out into the room, grabbed a bottle of water Carole had left on the table across the room and collapsed in the chair again. He had to stay awake. He couldn't let that happen again. He chugged down half the bottle, running the back of his hand over his mouth before capping the bottle and setting back on the floor. He sighed deeply, putting his face in his hands for a moment. He had to get control of himself.

The sound of a body shifting made his head snap up too fast, a small pain crinkling up his neck. He watched Kurt closely, watching his fingers twitch; watching his legs shift under the blanket. He was waking up. Blaine sat up straighter, scooting his chair close to the bed. "Kurt? Babe?" Blaine began to murmur, resting his hand in Kurt's. "Come on, wake up." He felt Kurt's fingers squeeze feebly at his hand, causing his heart to jump up his throat.

His eyes flickered up to Kurt's face, watching for more movement. Waiting for the blue orbs to be released, to be able to gaze at them once more.

Kurt coughed, his eyebrows pulling together as he groaned softly. He began to blink open his eyes and Blaine gave an internal cry of victory. It wasn't too bright in the room, the only light coming from the street lamps outside and the small lamp on the table beside the bed. He continued to blink, letting his eyes adjust to everything around him. He closed them for a moment, Blaine watching his face, biting his lip hard. Then Kurt finally blinked once more before looking up at the ceiling with hooded eyes. "Kurt?" Blaine whispered, not wanting to startle him. The boy's eyes searched the room before they fell on Blaine, widening a bit at the sight of him.

"Blaine?" Kurt's voice was rough and scratchy, but it was the most amazing sound Blaine had ever heard. Blaine opened his mouth, the only sound escaping being a choked sob. He began to cry, everything so much. The dream had scared him but now here was Kurt, his blue eyes trained on him and nothing was more terrifying. He loved this boy so much that it ached. The thought of almost having lost him had torn him apart inside and now all he wanted to do was gather him in his arms and hold him. He couldn't help the tears that rolled down his cheeks as his body began to shake once again with familiar sobs. "Blaine? Why are you crying?" Kurt's voice was still scratchy, but Blaine could hear the slight panic building up in it.

Blaine couldn't help but let out a small laugh. He shook his head and wiped at his cheeks with his free hand. He took a few deep breaths before looking at his boyfriend who was watching him intently. "You're awake." That was all he said as he smiled shakily at him, his eyes still burning.

Kurt's face pulled into a look of confusion, causing tears to begin to roll down Blaine's face again. Kurt attempted to reach up, to wipe away the unneeded tears, when he winced in pain, dropping his hand back to the bed. He looked down at his arm, gasping softly as he examined the bandage on his wrist. He looked over at his other wrist, the around the room, his gaze catching on the monitors. Everything suddenly came crashing back into Kurt's skull, far too fast and far too much for him to handle. He began to shake as the memories of the events began to replay in his mind.

"Kurt, no. Calm down. Everything is fine now," Blaine assured him, his hand resting gently on his bandaged wrist. "I can get the doctor to bring in more medicine as soon as possible. It'll get you to go back to sleep and get out of pain." As much as Blaine wanted Kurt to stay awake, to talk with him so he could apologize and explain himself, he could see Kurt needed to rest. And when he was under the medicine, the pain was lessened too, and he hated watching Kurt's winces as he moved.

"Blaine," Kurt said, watching as the wheels turned inside Blaine's head, seeing the thoughts forming behind his eyes.

Blaine's eyes flicked up to meet Kurt's, "What?"

"Kiss me, please."

Blaine looked at Kurt, his eyes widening a bit. He had just woken up from hours of being under the influence of the medicine and the first thing he asks for is a kiss. No food, or no bathroom. Just a simple kiss; that Blaine was happy to give. He stood up and leaned over the head of the bed, resting his lips softly on Kurt's forehead, then his nose then he gently pressed their lips together for a short moment. When he pulled away, Kurt looked at him with large eyes and he ran his hand through the brown strands of Kurt's hair. "Thank you," Kurt whispered.

"Of course. Always." Was Blaine's answer as he leaned down to press his lips once to Kurt's temple. "Everything will be better. Let me go get the doctor."

"Blaine, wait!" Kurt cried out as best as he could in his quiet voice, reaching out for Blaine's wrist. He let out a soft whine as he let it slump back to his side.

Blaine turned back around quickly, looking at Kurt with concern. "Please, be careful. Try not to move. Now what do you need? I have to go get the doctor, Kurt. I need to let him know you're awake."

Kurt nodded at Blaine's words, understanding completely, even if he didn't want Blaine to leave his side for not even one second at the moment. "One more kiss?" he asked softly.

"Of course," Blaine murmured, a small smile on his lips as he leaned over to kiss him gently before pulling away. "Now I'll be right back, don't move."

Kurt nodded waiting for Blaine to leave the room before he took a shuddery sigh. He lifted his hands up, placing his wrists side by side, a throbbing pain twisting up his arms. He wanted to start sobbing. He was alive. This wasn't what he had intended.

Who had found him? Who had unknowingly made his life a _hundred _times worse? Kurt wanted thrash out and scream, angry because his heart was still beating.

But Blaine had been at his side when he woke up. He had been crying, looking so broken and raw that it had ached to look at him. That's all that mattered, right? Blaine had kissed him, smiled at him. He didn't look angry at all. Maybe Kurt had made a mistake, but at the moment he didn't care because he was still alive. Blaine probably only acted as he did because of what Kurt was going through. He was just being nice till Kurt got better, then he'd leave him again. Kurt closed his eyes tightly, hating the pain he could feel in his arms. He wanted to be numb again.

When Blaine left once he was well, he'd make sure to finish it. To make sure his heart stopped beating next time.

Was Blaine the one who found him? Why would he have been in Kurt's house? Kurt was so confused by everything going on around him. He wanted to go home and get away from the irritating beeping. He wanted out.

His eyes opened as Blaine walked back in, an older man following behind. He smiled, the skin by his eyes crinkling. "Mr. Hummel, you're awake."

Kurt just nodded, looking over at Blaine who had his lip between his teeth, gazing at him. Kurt tried to smile but he felt like he was grimacing more than actually pulling his lips up into the happy action. He could see that Blaine had caught it though and felt something in his stomach flutter as Blaine gave him a smile. "Alright...," the doctor hummed, checking the machines and looking at the clipboard in his hands. "How are you feeling?"

"Fantastic," Kurt deadpanned. The man surprised Kurt by chuckling at his answer before throwing him a look. Kurt sighed. "Well, I'm fine except for a slight headache and it hurts to move my arms. Plus there's the constant pain from my wrists..." Kurt's voice fell as he rested his hands in his lap, his gaze trained on them. They all knew what had happened. They all knew he was pathetic.

"Mhm, that's expected," the man murmured, jotting something down on a paper. "I'll have the nurse bring in a couple more dosages of medication. I'll let you get a bit more sleep before I talk to you again. Can you call his father?" He was now looking at Blaine expectantly.

Blaine nodded quickly, "I can. I actually promised Mr. Hummel I'd call him once Kurt had awoken. I was going to do that in a couple minutes."

"Okay, good." He smiled at Kurt, pinning the clipboard under his arm. "The nurse will be in soon. Just be careful and don't move to much. Try and stay out of as much pain as possible." On that statement he left, breezing out the door and closing it behind him.

"Alrighty, time to call Burt." Blaine said aloud, grabbing the phone beside the bed.

"Where's your phone?" Kurt asked quietly with a quick glance up.

"Um..." Blaine furrowed his brow, debating on whether to tell him or not. "Carole took it to clean it." And he left it at that, Kurt murmuring an "Oh" as his gaze returned to his hands that he now had twisted together.

Blaine tapped in the number of the Hummel-Hudson house hold, checking the clock to see the time. It was almost 2 in the morning, way later than Blaine had thought. The phone rang twice before it cut off and he heard Burt's sleep-filled voice on the other end. _"'lo?"_

"Burt, it's Blaine. Kurt is awake."

_"Really? How is he doing? Does he need me to come down there?"_Burt's voice had gone from excitement to panic so quickly that Blaine had almost missed the excitement.

Blaine looked over at Kurt, his lip once again being captured between his teeth. "He's fine. Just a headache and some dull pain. I don't think you need to come down now. The doctor is bringing in more medication for him to sleep so it'd be of no use."

_"Alright. Well, thank you for letting me know. And let Kurt know I love him? 'Bye."_

"Of course, you're welcome. I will. 'Bye." Blaine settled the phone back on the receiver and look back at Kurt.

"What did he say?" Kurt asked.

"Um, he just asked how you were doing and if he needed to come down here. I told him that he didn't have to come down since you'll be sleeping again anyway. And then he told me to let you know he loves you."

"Ah," Kurt murmured, his eyes trained on Blaine for a moment.

Blaine walked back to the chair still settled by the bed, slumping back in it before sighing and leaning forward. He watched Kurt twist his hands together and watch them like he was watching the Royal Wedding. "Um..." Blaine began, chewing on the inside of his lip as he fretted over opening his mouth.

"Hm?" Kurt hummed, his eyes staying trained on his hands.

"Kurt, I know you may not want to talk about it..." Something in Kurt twisted in panic. "...but... Why did you do this?" Blaine's voice was quiet, sheepishly looking away for a quick second.

Kurt stayed silent, his eyes burning slightly. He did not want to talk about this right now. He couldn't. He wasn't going to admit to Blaine how he had failed everyone. Wasn't going to admit _why _he failed everyone. He heard Blaine sigh beside him and he felt bad for not answering, but he couldn't in the state he was in.

"I get it. You don't ever have to tell me. It's fine," Blaine said, leaning back into the chair.

The door opened and a middle-aged women came pattering into the room. She held bags of clear liquid in her hand and she smiled as she caught sight of Kurt. "Lovely to see you awake, Mr. Hummel. Too bad this stuff will knock you right back out." She continued to talk, Kurt looking at her silently as she hooked up the medication.

Blaine watched Kurt closely, wishing he'd let him know what had been on his mind. He just had to hope he'd tell him some day. "Yeah, it's okay if you never tell me..." he murmured under his breath.


	5. Chapter 5

**Merry Christmas! I decided that I'll add a few more chapters on here and catch you guys up :)**

* * *

><p><em>October 24, 2011 2:30 P.M<em>

"You have to at least eat something," Blaine begged as he sat next to Kurt's bed. Kurt had sat up a while ago, moving his fingers and arms, wincing at the small amount of pain he felt.

"I'm not hungry!" Kurt had been trying to convince Blaine for the last 20 minutes he wasn't hungry. And he wasn't! But Blaine was stubborn and wouldn't leave the subject alone.

"Kurt, you _have_to eat. At least a cracker or something, please?" Blaine's eyes had grown as large as saucers, Kurt rolling his eyes at the puppy-dog face he was attempting.

"But I'm not hungry."

"Kurt." Blaine said sternly this time, dropping the puppy-dog act and narrowing his eyes. He stood up and sighed, crossing his arms. "Don't make me force you. I really don't want to have to."

"Have to do what?"

Neither of the boys had heard the door open and both jumped, startled as Carole's voice appeared in the room. Blaine spun around, his palm placed against his chest as he took a deep breath. "Carole.. You scared me."

"Sorry. Kurt!" Carole's lips pulled into a large smile before setting her bags on the floor and hurrying over to the boy. She placed her arms around him and gave him a short hug, her hands resting on his upper arms as she pulled back to look at him. "You look awful, you need food."

"I told you," Blaine muttered.

Kurt rolled his eyes again and shook his head, "I'm not hungry, Carole. But thanks anyway. Where's my dad?"

"He's in the bathroom. Finn is stopping by later." She leaned forward to press a kiss to Kurt's cheek before pulling away and hurrying over to one of the bags she had brought along. "Here, I brought crackers. I want you to at least eat a couple. You need it." Carole ripped open the plastic sleeve and handed Kurt a couple crackers. Kurt glared at them as Blaine chuckled, which caused Kurt to stick his tongue out at his boyfriend. "Eat." Carole ordered. Kurt sighed, putting a cracker to his lips and starting to nibble at the edge.

"I'm going to go down the cafe and get a coffee. Carole do you want anything?" Blaine said, slipping his hands into the pockets of the blue hospital scrubs.

"No, I'm good. I have water right here," she motioned toward the bag she had gone back to.

"Alright. I'll be right back," he fleetingly touched Kurt's arm before spinning around to walk out of the room.

"Hey, can I have a coffee?" Kurt called.

"Kurt, I don't know-" Blaine began as he stopped in the doorway.

"Go ahead, let him have one. It might make him feel better to have something familiar." Carole intoned from her position.

Blaine nodded with a smile. "The usual?"

"Of course," Kurt grinned as he put the cracker back to his lips, watching Blaine disappear around the corner. He busied himself with the cracker, his eyes flicking to the door as his dad finally walked in. The smile that lit up Burt's face made Kurt's heart break. He wondered if they would have seen such a genuine smile if he hadn't survived. "Dad!" Kurt smiled, setting the crackers on the table next to his bed.

Burt engulfed Kurt in his arms, holding him close. The feeling of his son's body against his was so familiar and comforting, he had missed it so much in the last few days. Kurt had been so distant that it scared him and now he found out he actually had a reason to fear. His eyes were clenched shut, the pressure behind his eyes growing as he hugged Kurt close. "Don't do that to me," he said as he pulled away to look at him. "Ever. Again. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah... Dad. I hear you." Kurt's voice was quiet and strained as he swallowed. He should be getting yelled at for his decision. Worse then the scolding his father gave him that was barely even a scolding. He deserved to get yelled at for ruining people's lives for those few hours.

Burt pulled away fully from Kurt and felt Carole slip an arm around his waist. "Now, finish your crackers."

Kurt nodded, reaching for his half eaten cracker to begin nibbling on it again. He watched as Carole and Burt talked, smiles meeting their lips every time they met Kurt's gaze. _Where was Blaine?_

Just on time Blaine came walking in, two steaming styrofoam cups in hand. "Nonfat mocha," he smiled, gingerly handing Kurt the cup. Kurt used both hands to grip it, dull pain making it's way back to his wrists.

"Thank you," Kurt sighed, bringing the cup up to his nose and breathing in deeply. "Mm. Coffee."

"Coffee? Are you sure he's even allowed to have that?" Came Burt's voice as he stepped towards Blaine, a look of concern mixed with protectiveness on his face.

"Burt, I told Blaine to get him it. He needs something comforting. Besides Blaine, coffee was the next best thing." Carole smiled at the two boys patting Burt's should. Blaine returned Carole's smile before boosting himself up onto the edge of the bed. He let his legs hang off the side as he looked at the cup in his hands. Carole and Burt were over in the corner bickering cutely as Blaine glanced up at Kurt.

"So. I was talking with the doctor. He was very iffy on telling me anything because I'm not family but he let it slide after a moment." Blaine glanced back down at his coffee, his finger tracing the rim of the cup. "Um, I was curious of when you were able to go home. And he said you could maybe go home in the next couple days." Kurt's eyebrows lifted at this, the corners of his lips pulled up a bit. "But... You're going to be going to a counselor... And going to group meetings here."

Kurt's eyebrows fell, his lips curling downward. The room had grown silent, Carole and Burt listening to what Blaine had to tell. "Fun. A counselor and group meetings." He laughed humorlessly. "I am really crazy aren't I."

Blaine looked over at Kurt, his lips part slightly as he reached out to touch his wrist fleetingly. He shook his head slowly, "You aren't crazy."

"I am. I mean. I just tried to kill myself. The proof is kinda right here under these bandages. Now everyone will be calling me not only a _fag_but now a psycho. This is fantastic." He muttered angrily, glaring at his cup.

Blaine winced at Kurt's harsh choice of words. "Kurt, stop. You aren't a psycho. It's just... It's normal. You had problems and had no way to deal with them. This being the only way you knew how."

"Oh shut up. I know you're thinking I'm crazy and same with my dad and Carole. You're probably thinking of sending me to a psychiatric hospital." Kurt snapped, glaring harder at his cup, not making eye contact.

Blaine didn't know what to say as he glanced back at Carole and Burt. They looked at him sadly, Burt's hands squeezing at Carole's shoulder. Blaine turned back to Kurt, his eyes drifting to the cup of coffee in his hands. Kurt was beginning to squeeze the cup, his fingers shaking. Blaine set his cup down before slipping Kurt's out of his fingers, setting it next to his own. He got on his knees and scooted over the bed till he was close to Kurt and pulled him into a hug. Kurt just slumped against him, his hands staying in his lap where they continued to shake. "You aren't psychotic, Kurt." Blaine whispered into the boy's ear.

Kurt sniffled, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder. "I do nothing but ruin everyone's lives."

"Stop talking like that." Blaine murmured as he clutched his boyfriend to him. "You haven't ruined anyone's life."

Kurt stayed silent, pulling against Blaine's grasp. Blaine unfurled his arms and sat back. He watched Kurt's face, his eyes still trained on his lap. "I love you." Blaine said, his voice strong as he reached out to rest his hand on Kurt's crossed leg.

Kurt looked up, his eyes wide for a moment before closing them. He didn't deserve this. He deserved nothing. He didn't answer Blaine, biting his bottom lip softly. Blaine's heart lodged into his throat and stayed there, his eyes burning as he looked away. He stood up from the bed and grabbed for his coffee. He took a seat in a chair by the window and sat there, bending his leg over his knee. He looked down at the cup in his hand, trying to control himself and his emotions. Kurt hadn't answered him. He had ignored him. _What if he didn't love him anymore?_

Burt and Carole watched the exchange sadly, Carole looking at Burt who had a strange look on his face. "Burt?"

"We have to talk when we get home," was all he said, glancing down to meet her gaze.

.….…

_October 24, 2011 9:45 P.M_

Blaine was still occupying the seat by the window when everyone began to say goodbye. Carole had gone and gotten them all food from the cafe earlier when Finn had showed up with his girlfriend Rachel Berry. They had spent the rest of the day at the hospital, Rachel catching Kurt up on what was going on in school, trying her hardest not to let her eyes fall down to the bandages wrapped around his wrists. When visitor hours were almost over Carole began to herd everyone together, bags in hand. She left Blaine an overnight bag that had extra clothes and toiletries so he could use the bathroom at the hospital. Everyone exchanged hugs, except for Finn who awkwardly stood by the door, lifting his hand in a small wave. "'Bye, Kurt." He said in a soft voice before nodding to Blaine and disappearing out the door with Rachel skipping behind him.

Blaine followed the people out, closing the door quietly behind them, turning to look at Kurt. In the time it took for Blaine to go to the door and close it Kurt had slipped under his blanket, turned on his side; his back to Blaine. The sight pained Blaine, but he expected this. The doctor had told him to. Kurt was going to have mood swings, he was going to snap easily, Blaine would just have to hold on a bit longer for his boyfriend to return to normal.

He walked over and drug the seat back to the edge of Kurt's bed, slumping back into it and getting comfortable, his eyes on Kurt's back. He didn't plan on going to sleep, but watching Kurt was better than staring out into the dark night.

_Kurt could hear crying. Muffled screams. He didn't know where they were coming from, everything black and cold. He blinked, multiple times, wondering if he was awake or asleep. He blinked once more and when he opened his eyes everything came into view. Or at least what he could see. A lone bed in the middle of a dirty room, a room that belonged to a boy he could tell. He tripped and stumbled on his way to the bed, the comforters and sheets messed up. Suddenly he was face down on it and the crying became his, tears streaming down his face. Screams that crawled up his throat were muffled as his face was shoved into the mattress that smelled of mixtures of cologne and dirty clothes. He could feel rough hands against his skin, cruel whispers in his ears. His heart was beating fast and loud against his chest; he was beginning to panic. His screams became louder, loud breathing in his ear, warm breaths against his back. "Please, stop. Please!" His cries were ignored; his stomach clenching and heaving sickeningly-_

"Kurt!" Blaine had his hands on the boy's shoulders, shaking his body. "Wake up!"

Kurt jolted awake, a yell escaping his lips as his eyes flew open. "Stop! Please!" he whimpered in a high pitched voice, his body shaky, covered in sweat.

Blaine placed his hands on either side of Kurt's face and made his gaze meet his own. "Kurt, it's me. It's Blaine. I'm not doing anything. You have to calm down." The machines beside the bed was going crazy, the beeping erratic.

"Get your hands off of me!" Kurt gasped, shoving Blaine's hands away and sitting up. He stared at Blaine with wide eyes, his stomach twisting with nausea.

Blaine stepped away from the bed, a hurt expression on his face. "I was trying to help. You were having a nightmare," he said quietly.

Kurt took in Blaine's face and realization sunk in. It was Blaine standing before him, and he was in the hospital. He wasn't in the dank college dorm. He was safe, for the most part. Blaine looked hurt, like someone had kicked his puppy and something snapped inside of Kurt. He put his face in his hands and began to cry, his body heaving with the sobs. Blaine scrambled over to the bed and crawled up next to him, cramped between the rails. Blaine hesitated before wrapping his arms around the boy and pulling him against his chest to let him cry against his chest. "You're not crazy." Blaine whispered into Kurt's hair, closing his eyes as the boy shook in his arms. "You're not crazy."


	6. Chapter 6

**Trigger warning:**

**This chapter deals with rape._  
><em>**

* * *

><p><em>September 17, 2011 8:32 P.M<em>

Kurt hated being alone on Saturday nights. They usually were the same every week, his dad and Carole going out for a date night while Finn went over to Puck's or Mike's to spend the night playing Call of Duty or Halo. Then Kurt would stay at his house and get movies and popcorn ready, waiting for Blaine to show up at his door with pajamas in hand and a big smile on his face; or he'd end up going to Blaine's house- if his parents were gone on business- and spend the night cuddling and listening to music on his bed. They were usually fun and joyous and cozy. But this week Blaine's parents dragged him out for a dinner with colleagues and he was alone. Except that it was now 8:30 and Finn was still home. Which was the weird thing.

The sound of the doorbell going off startled Kurt from his position at his desk, hunched over his book. He threw a confused look at his window, irritated that it was probably Finn who had invited someone over, or even ordered pizza. He stood up and stretched, loping out of his room and standing at the top of the stairs to look down at the door where Finn stood for a moment before stepping out of the way. Rachel walked in and looked up, seeing Kurt at the top of the stairs, a huge smile taking over her face. "Kurt!" She exclaimed, waving excitedly at him. She was dressed in a black school girl dress with a white sash tied around her waist. Kurt cocked his head at her as she pulled her coat closer to her as Finn closed the door behind her.

"And you guys are going... where?" Kurt murmured, stepping down the stairs, gripping the banister loosely.

"Oh, um." Rachel giggled and blushed, looking over at Finn who stood awkwardly to the side. "Finn, would you like to tell Kurt what's going on?"

"Um... well. Puck got Rachel and I some fake IDs and we're going to a bar in downtown Lima. Puck invited us." Finn's face suddenly took on a panicked look, "Please, don't tell my mom. Or Burt. They'd kill me."

"Not to mention my fathers. They would absolutely furious." Rachel added, with a few quick nods.

Kurt's eyes widened as he tilted his chin up. "Ah. I see. Well. If you know you're going to get into so much trouble, why are you going?"

"Because, dude, we need to let loose a little. We haven't had a good time out in a while." Finn said as he reached for his coat. He suddenly looked up at Kurt with a hopeful expression. "You should come with us."

"What?"

"You should come with us. You're just as high-strung as everyone else, maybe even more. You need to get out. Let loose." Rachel was nodding enthusiastically next to him, a large grin on her lips. "I'm sure Puck would have an extra ID."

Kurt shrugged his shoulders, tapping his fingers against the banister. "I don't know... I mean. I'd be more comfortable if Blaine went with us... So I think I'll stay home."

"Oh come on!" Finn groaned, "I know you'd want Blaine to be there, but he's out with his parents. You'll have fun. Music, drinks! A fun night with the 4 of us. It'll be great."

"Yeah, Kurt. It'll be fun!" Rachel said in a high pitched voice, looping her arms around Finn's.

Kurt bit his bottom lip and looked at his feet for a moment, debating over whether to go or not. He did need a night out. Maybe some fun would be exactly what he needed.

"Fine. I'll go. Let me go get my coat and I'll be right down." Kurt finally sighed.

...

"I can't believe I actually listened to you guys. I mean, I could be home studying, or texting Blaine. Or really anything. But no. I decided to come with you." Kurt was rambling as they pulled up to the bar, his forehead resting against the cool glass of the car window. Everyone got out of the car and made their way to the entrance where Puck stood with his arms crossed, a smirk on his lips. "If we get caught. I swear, neither of you will see the light of day."

"Ease up a bit, Hummel. Jeesh. It'll be fun." Puck said, tapping his knuckles against Kurt's shoulder before passing out the IDs, earning a dirty look from Kurt.

Finn had a dopey smile on his face as he looked at his ID, showing it to Rachel and pointing out something, his eyes full of wonder. Kurt looked down at the piece of plastic Puck handed him and frowned. "James Donahue?" He looked up at Puck, a look of disbelief on his face. "This isn't going to work. I don't even have a mustache. And this man is tan."

"Trust me, Kurt. They'll work. The bouncer barely even pays attention to the cards since this is just one of the run down, poor people bars."

Kurt made a look of disgust as he looked back down at the ID. "Fantastic."

"Now, come on. Before we lose room on the dance floor!" Rachel said, still closely attached to Finn's side.

Puck smiled, raising an eyebrow at Kurt. "See, Berry's got the right idea."

Kurt rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as they made their way inside. When it was his turn to hand the ID to the bouncer, he was nervous, blushing as he smiled at the large man who had a dubious look on his face after glancing down at the picture. The man handed him back the card and stuck his thumb over his shoulder with a look to the ceiling. Kurt smiled and nodded, saying a 'thank you' as he followed Puck into the crowded area of the bar.

The music was loud and the room was quite dark, colored lights flashing around and lights by the bar. People were crowded on the dance floor, Kurt trying to stay as far away from the moving bodies as possible. "Let's get drinks!" Puck yelled to Finn, who nodded yelling a "Hell yeah!"

They pushed their way to the bar, Puck ordering the drinks for everyone except for Kurt who cut him off sharply as Puck pointed a finger at him, probably about to tell the bartender some overly alcoholic drink, asking the man behind the counter for a simple Shirley Temple. "Are you serious, Hummel?"

"Yes, I'm serious. I'd rather not puke my brains out by the end of the night. And Finn and Rachel will probably need a designated driver." Kurt said, narrowing his eyes at Puck.

"Good looking out for us, Kurt!" came Finn's loud voice in his year as he clapped him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, whatever." Kurt mumbled as he watched the bartender bring everyone else their drinks, going back to make Kurt's.

"Well, I'll be heading out to the dance floor now," Finn pointed out after chugging down half the liquid in his bottle of beer. "Come on, my lady." Rachel blushed, kissing Kurt on the cheek before being dragged away from him by Finn.

"And I will be joining them," Puck added, downing a shot that had been set down in front of him. "Have fun, Hummel."

Kurt pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he looked out into the mass of bodies, wishing Blaine was here so he could join in on the fun. Really, the only reason he did come was because he knew that Finn would end up getting plastered by the end of the night, and Rachel would be close behind. Neither would be in the state to drive and he really didn't want to have to make a trip to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Kurt sat on the stool by the bar as the bartender came over with his drink, setting the glass in front of him. He sighed and crossed his leg over the other, resting his elbow on the polished wood of the bar and resting his chin in the palm. He reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled out his phone, seeing he got a text from Blaine. _'I'm sorry I'm not there with you. Pick a good movie for me.'_

Kurt smiled at the text, wishing he was home with Blaine, curled on the couch with a blanket draped over them, stealing sweet kisses as Moulin Rouge played in the background. _**'I'm actually not home at the moment. I wish I was there with you though.'**_

Blaine was quick to respond and Kurt chuckled, knowing that Blaine probably had the phone hidden under the dinner table to text. _'Not there? Where are you? You didn't get dragged to Puck's again did you, because if you did, I'm sorry.'_

_**'No, actually I'm at a bar. With Finn and Puck and poor Rachel.'**_

_'A bar, Kurt? That's not really your scene.'_

_**'Yeah I know. But I didn't want Finn ending up in a car wreck like the idiot he is.'**_

_'Be nice. Well, I'm sorry. I wish I was there with you. Be careful.'_

_**'I wish you were here too. But I'll be fine. I'll just sit on the stool and think of you.'**_

_'Oh, You're sweet. I have to go now. My mom's giving me dirty looks. I love you.'_

Kurt smiled as he typed out an _**'I love you too'**_ quickly before putting his phone back in his pocket. He resumed back to his old position, his chin back resting in his palm. His free hand reached up and traced the rim of his glass before he picked it up to drink from it. He set the glass back down, his finger once against tracing over the edge. He stared at the liquid sloshing slightly, his head already beginning to ache over the loud music and bright lights.

Two hours passed by quite quickly for Kurt, sure their parents would be home soon, but Finn probably already gave them a good excuse for why they were gone. Kurt had only finished three Shirley Temples, while he had watched Finn and Puck both reappear multiple times for new drinks. Kurt had shaken his head at the two boys everytime, sighing and knowing that they weren't going to have a very enjoyable morning. He drank the rest of what was left in his glass and set it there, thinking of waving down the bartender, but deciding against it as he crossed his arms on the bar and biting his lip. He was thinking of going up to Finn and cutting the night short, but he knew he'd never hear the end of it if he did, so he was just going to wait everything out sitting at his stool.

A new glass settled down in his sight and he was surprised, lifting his head and looking at the bartender, a quizzical look on his face. "I didn't ask for a refill."

"That boy at the end of the bar paid for it," the man said stiffly, before walking away to leave Kurt even more confused than before. What boy? He leaned forward to glance down the bar, his heart lifting for a moment, a bit of hope that Blaine had showed up to take him home. But his gaze caught a pair of blue eyes and his mood deflated. The guy was watching him, a small smile pulling on his lips. When their eyes met, he winked and Kurt blushed, sitting back, staring hard at the glass.

Why would the boy pay for Kurt's drink? They were in a bar full of painfully straight people, mostly couples or singles trying to get with someone. He'd never expect a random guy to pick him out of everyone there. Why Kurt though? He was Kurt. Nothing special. He still constantly wondered what Blaine saw in him to keep him there.

Someone moved to sit on the stool next to him and he glanced over, his blush growing brighter when he saw the boy from the end of the bar sitting next to him. He looked back at the drink, folding his hands on the bar, his thumbs tapping against each other.

"Hello." Kurt glanced over when he spoke, the guy now turned to face him.

"Hi..." Kurt mumbled, trying to avoid the man's blue eyes. His shabby brown locks hung in his eyes and he shook them out of the way as he held out a hand.

"I'm Jeremy." He smiled, his teeth bright and his smile large.

"Kurt." Kurt said, gingerly taking Jeremy's hand and shaking it before retracting it quickly.

"So, what are you doing sitting here at the bar alone?"

"Um, I'm here with my brother and his girlfriend. I'm keeping an eye on them so they don't do anything stupid." Kurt murmured, looking over at Jeremy and nodding slightly.

"Ah. I see." The guy looked at the bottle he had in his hands before glancing at Kurt with a soft smile. "Why aren't you drinking."

"I'm not really into it. And I'm trying to stay responsible so they have someone to drive them home."

"Mh. I'm sorry you got dragged out here. But if you try you can make it fun. And I could help," Jeremy gave a cheesy smile, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

"There is no way this could be fun. No offense to you or anything. But it isn't really my scene. Though, my brother wanted me to come so I could 'let loose' a bit. But I'd feel so much better if we were 'letting loose' at a friend's house. Not around strangers."

"Oh no, I get where you're coming from exactly. I said the same thing when I was dragged to a bar for the first time. But I got a couple drinks in me and then everything was so much better. Come one, let's get at least one drink in you. Maybe that'll help." Jeremy waved down the man behind the bar.

"No, no. Really, I'm fine. I am." Kurt tried as Jeremy ordered him a drink.

"I'll pay for it, no worries. And you'll be fine. One drink isn't going to make you drunk," he gave Kurt a promising smile.

Kurt smiled back, but he wanted to leave. This tall, thin guy was really attractive. And the looks he kept giving Kurt were sending weird thoughts to his brain. He watched as his blue eyes scanned over Kurt's body before meeting his eyes for a second. "Um..." Kurt began, biting his lip as he turned to Jeremy. The boy's eyes were now watching his lips, his eyes trained on them as he let his lip go from between his teeth.

"Yes?" Jeremy's blue eyes met his again and he took in a deep breath.

"Are you gay?" Kurt automatically blushed as those words slipped out of his mouth.

Jeremy smirked, seeing the slight panic appear in Kurt's eyes. "That I am. I hope you are too? I mean, I usually make snap judgements and are wrong, but you're too pretty not to find out."

Kurt scoffed and ducked his head. "I am, yes. And you're very... sweet and all but I have a boyfriend, so. You're lines aren't going to work."

"They sure look like they're working," Jeremy observed in a deep voice.

"Huh," Kurt sighed, "Well, it's because I'm not used to really getting hit on. And I blush very easily."

"You deserved to get hit on all the time. It'd be a waste not to."

Kurt rolled his eyes as the bartender brought a new glass with a new color of liquid that Kurt couldn't name. Kurt pulled out his phone to check for texts when Jeremy reached over and bumped Kurt's hands, knocking the phone to the floor. "Shit."

"I'm sorry," Jeremy said with mock panic. Kurt got off his stool and kneeled down, reaching under his stool for the phone, checking to make sure nothing cracked. "It didn't break did it?" Jeremy asked, brushing his hands against his thighs.

"No, it's fine." Kurt said as he slid back onto the stool.

"Drink up, come on! So we can get this party started!"

Kurt looked wearily at the drink, wrapping his fingers around it carefully before lifting it to his lips. Jeremy looked in fascination as Kurt took a drink, making a face as the alcohol burned all the way down his throat. He didn't understand why people liked to drink this. It not only burned but tasted sour to him causing his stomach to turn. Maybe people got used to the burn and the taste after a while? Jeremy was smiling as he watched Kurt down half of the drink quickly.

"So?" He asked, leaning forward slightly.

"It tastes bitter. And burns." Kurt stated as he took another drink. Even as he said that he didn't want to stop drinking. Either because it was a drink and he had it in his hand so it was a reflex or because he was just being nice. He downed the drink after a moment, setting the cup on the bar and sticking his tongue out as he made a face. "Well. That's the one drink I'll be having. Thank you very much." He grabbed the Shirley Temple that was still sitting in front of him and drank it quickly, hoping to get the bitter taste out of his mouth.

"That's fine," Jeremy murmured, taking a drink from his bottle, cocking his head slightly at Kurt.

Kurt felt awkward as Jeremy just watched him. He turned back to the bar and rested his hands back on the wood. Jeremy turned to the bar to and tapped his fingers against the wood, glancing at Kurt once in a while. After a while of sitting there, Jeremy continuing to check out Kurt, Kurt turned to face him, narrowing his eyes. "Really, stop. You-" Kurt suddenly felt a wave of dizziness wash through him as his statement was cut off. "Whoa."

"What?" Jeremy wondered, turning to face him also, a knowing look on his face.

"I don't know. I just... got really dizzy. I should... go to the... bathroom." Kurt put his palm to his forehead, confused as he went to stand up. He wobbled a bit, Jeremy jumping off his seat to wrap an arm around his waist.

"I got you," he murmured. Kurt wanted to shove his arm away and go find Finn, but he needed cool water because everything was suddenly way too warm. He made his way to the bathroom with Jeremy following, stumbling multiple times along the way. When he burst through the door, he went to the sinks and turned the cold water on full blast, splashing his face. He clutched at the sides of the sink, taking deep breaths before straightening up and turning off the water.

"I feel like crap. Jesus. I only had one drink." Kurt muttered.

"Maybe it's because you haven't had a drink before? Maybe your body is just trying to get used to it." Jeremy suggested from his place against the wall.

"Maybe," Kurt mumbled, walking over and sliding down the wall, letting his head fall back to rest against it. He groaned as he tried to get rid of the feeling of dizziness.

"I'm sorry." Jeremy said, looking down on Kurt amused.

"Mhm." Kurt closed his eyes, letting himself stay calm for a few minutes before opening his eyes and slurring out, "I need to go home."

"How about we go to my dorm? Campus is only a few minutes away and then I can drive you home in the morning?"

Kurt blinked up at Jeremy, "I just wanna sleep."

"Come on," Jeremy said, leaning down to boost Kurt up. "You can crash on my couch."

"Awesome. Juss let me let my brother know." Kurt attempted to walk and stumbled, giggling childishly when Jeremy caught him.

"Let me know what he looks like and I'll find him for you."

Kurt nodded as they stepped out of the bar, Jeremy's arm tight around his waist. "He's tall. Really tall. Like a giant. And he has brown hair. And is wearing this ugly green shirt that doesn't go at all with his shoes." Jeremy nodded and chuckled, searching the crowd for the boy Kurt had described.

When he caught sight of him dancing with a short dark haired girl, Jeremy pushed through the crowd till he was able to tap Finn's shoulder. The boy turned with a smile, not looking half as drunk as Kurt made him sound. "Hey, Kurt!"

"Finn! Brotherrrr. How's it goingggg. I dun... I don't feel well. I'm gonna... gonna go to my friend... friend... Jeremy's house and crash on his couch." Kurt was patting Jeremy's chest, looking trashed out of his mind.

"Okay. Be careful while driving. And call me in the morning..." Finn eyed Jeremy for a moment.

"I'll remind him when he wakes up." Jeremy smirked, before turning so Finn couldn't say anything.

He got Kurt out to his car, boosting him into the passenger seat where he giggled till Jeremy buckled him in. It took not even 6 minutes to get to the college dorms down the street, where Jeremy parked the car and got out. He dragged Kurt to the building, Kurt becoming limp in his arms before he even got on the elevator. He shook Kurt, waking him up as the elevator doors slid open and he led him down to his dorm. He unlocked the door and slipped into the dark room, closing and locking the door behind him. He flipped on the light, letting go of Kurt as he straightened up.

"It's dirty." Was all that Kurt slurred as he looked around the small cramped room. A small couch was shoved in the corner and a large mattress was on the floor, the dark red comforter messed and the tan sheets crinkled. Kurt yawned, blinking as he glanced around.

Suddenly Jeremy was against Kurt, pushing him up against the door. It took Kurt a moment to process what was going on, his body immediately going to the feeling of pleasure that pulsed through his blood as Jeremy's lips attacked his neck. Jeremy shifted and roughly pushed his lips against Kurt's, his tongue pushing between his lips and into his mouth. Suddenly Kurt was painfully sober as he realized what was going on. He shoved at Jeremy's chest. "What are you doing!" He yelled, gasping as he tried to catch his breath, Jeremy looking at him with hooded eyes.

"I just want to make you feel good, baby." Jeremy murmured, moving closer to Kurt.

"I have a boyfriend!" Kurt said firmly, placing his hands on Jeremy's chest. He grabbed Kurt's wrists and pinned them above his head.

"That doesn't matter to me. All that matters is he isn't here right now. Now is he." He breathed in Kurt's face. Kurt turned his face to the side, making a sound of disgust. "I didn't think so." Then his lips were back on Kurt's and Kurt moved his head again to detach their lips.

"Get away!" he yelled.

Jeremy shook his head with a dark chuckle. "Don't count on it." He muttered.

Everything rushed before Kurt, his mind still hazy. His thoughts were screaming for help, his mouth afraid to do the same. He wanted Blaine. He wanted Blaine to burst into the dirty room and save him from Jeremy. He was crying without knowing it, surprising himself when he felt the wetness on his cheeks. When he noticed this he also noticed that Jeremy was standing before him naked, his own shirt on the floor and his pants on their way.

His chest constricted, his heart squeezing painfully. Bile rose in his throat as realization came crashing down on him. Jeremy was going to rape him. Kurt let out a sob, tears still streaming down his cheeks. "Please, don't. Please."

Jeremy stood up, Kurt now standing naked himself. He was smirking as he pressed his body against Kurt's, making Kurt recoil from him. "Now, be a good boy. And I'll be kind."

"Please. Please, don't do this," Kurt cried quietly as Jeremy pushed him backwards towards the bed till he fell.

"Shut up." Came a harsh voice, as Jeremy's rough hands flipped him over. Kurt's face was pressed into the mattress, the mattress smelling of a mixture of colognes and sweat that made him gag. He laid on his stomach, sobbing into the mattress as Jeremy moved about before he felt the bed sink under his weight.

Kurt needed Blaine. He needed to be back home.

So that's what he did. He did what he did when he cut himself. He closed his eyes tightly as tears streamed down his cheeks and made everything numb around him. He could see Blaine's smiling face, his warm hazel eyes.

But the rough touches and the pain that spread up his spine made it's way into his mind and he let out a cry of pain. He began to cry harder, begging Jeremy to stop. To let him go home.

He tried harder. He needed everything to be numb. So as he felt the blunt head of Jeremy's cock against his entrance, he tried to lose himself in old memories. Of him and Blaine sitting on the couch watching a movie, though they weren't really watching it. They were watching each other. Blaine would have his arms wrapped around Kurt, and Kurt would be lounging on his chest between his legs, the bowl of popcorn in his hands. He'd feed a piece to Blaine and giggle softly as he felt Blaine's soft lips touch his finger tips. His lips so much softer and sweeter than the boy above him now.

The boy who was gripping his hips too hard, and snapped his hips to rough. The guy who was grunting above him, who was sweating on him. He felt his bare back against his own and he felt the bile rise again.

Blaine would sing along with the movie, his voice a whisper in Kurt's ear, his breath tickling him and causing Kurt to blush and giggle. They'd have set down the popcorn and Kurt would be cuddled up against Blaine and while Kurt watched the movie, Blaine would watch him and run his fingers through Kurt's soft strands of hair.

Kurt could feel the sickening feeling of Jeremy's cum fill him, making him gag in between sobs. When Jeremy pulled out, Kurt let out another cry of pain, staying on his stomach as he felt the bed shift as Jeremy laid down beside him. Kurt didn't move. He stayed in his spot. Crying and shaking, trying his hardest to keep his thoughts on Blaine, till he passed out finally into a dreamless sleep.

...

_September 18th, 2011 4:23 A.M._

Kurt woke up with a gasp, hoping that he had just had a horrible nightmare. But when he realized he was still laying face down on the bed, he closed his eyes and held back the sobs he felt clawing up his throat. He had to get out. Without a second thought, he moved to get up, letting out a soft cry when he felt a sharp jab of pain move up his spine. Just another reminder of the horrible events of the night. He could see rain falling outside the grimy window, making his mood even worse, if that was even possible. He stumbled around the room, quickly pulling on his clothes, gagging at the sight of a naked Jeremy on the bed. He hurried out of the dorm, limping to the elevator and out into the pouring rain. He didn't know where he was going, and though it hurt like hell he just continued to walk. He had missed calls and messages on his phone, but he didn't look at them, making sure his phone was safe in the pocket of his coat.

When he found an alley between two buildings, he turned the corner and leaned against the wall. He let out a sob, breaking down as he slipped down the brick. He pulled his knees to his chest and just sobbed, letting everything out. He was sore and his head spun and hurt, his lungs working hard to catch his breath.

He was such an _idiot_. He had let Jeremy drug him. He had gone back to his dorm. He had let Finn talk him into going. He should have just stayed home and watched a movie by himself. But no. He had to go make sure his brother didn't do something idiotic, when it was him, Kurt, who did the idiotic thing.

He deserved what happened. He shouldn't have been an idiot and gotten himself drugged.

He was nothing but trash, so it didn't matter. He deserved every bit of pain and embarrassment.

And now Kurt had to go home and face everyone. He couldn't tell anyone what happened. It was too embarrassing. Especially Blaine.

_Blaine_. Kurt didn't know what to do. He felt dirty now. What if Blaine found out? He'd leave Kurt so fast that he wouldn't have a chance to apologize.

No one could know. No one. It was all his fault anyway. He deserved it. He wasn't going to tell anyone. He'll just say he stayed at a friends house, and he was fine. He'd walk home and take a shower, maybe get rid of these clothes.

But no one could know. No one.


	7. Chapter 7

_October 27, 2011 12:28 P.M_

Blaine didn't question Kurt about that night. He kept his curiosity to himself, even as Kurt closed in on himself in the days following. He had put walls up to block everyone out, smiling and nodding mechanically when he was spoken to. Whatever the dream was about it had messed with Kurt, and Blaine could see the effects. He didn't like it. He had spent the night holding Kurt as he cried and trembled in his arms, worrying, and then suddenly Kurt's walls were back and Blaine was worrying even more. Kurt was acting exactly as he had before he had tried to kill himself.

Blaine was terrified.

Kurt was now sitting on The hospital bed, dressed in a t-shirt and sweats, his sweatshirt resting on his crossed legs. He was being let out of the hospital, the schedules for his therapy and group meetings stuffed in the bag Carole had left for Blaine a few days ago. It was just him and Kurt at the moment, Blaine reading through his history textbook, trying to catch up on school work. Carole and Burt we heading over to the hospital to pick them up when they were both done at work. Blaine was going to stay for dinner at the Hummel-Hudson's house that night before he finally went home for the first time in 4 days.

He wasn't excited at all. He wished he could stay with Kurt, to be able to watch over him, to care for him so nothing like the other night would ever happen again. The thought of Kurt being left alone caused a shiver to run down Blaine's spine as he closed his eyes tightly. He glanced up at Kurt, who was staring at the wall across the room, his eyes hollow and unseeing. Blaine absolutely hated that look, but that's how it had been ever since he had woken up from the nightmare.

A knock on the room's door startled Blaine out of his thoughts, Blaine turning in his seat to watch Carole, Burt and the doctor walk in. Carole's lips automatically pulled into her usual smile when she saw the two boys, clapping her hands together. "You get to go home today!"

Kurt looked over and smiled, the smile not even close to reaching his eyes. Blaine ducked his head, looking away from Kurt again at the sight of the pitiful attempt at happiness.

Burt stood by the doctor, leaning over papers, talking and jotting things down with a pen, as Carole moved towards them, rubbing her hands together. "Your bathroom and room are clean. I'm making lasagna tonight, your favorite. It'll be wonderful, especially with Blaine being there too." Carole rested both of her hands on the sides of Kurt's face and leaned in to kiss his forehead. "I'm so glad you'll be back home."

"I'm glad too," Kurt said quietly, the pitiful smile still on his face.

Blaine abandoned his textbook in his chair to go gather up a few more things as the doctor stepped forward with a smile. "You're all set. Your discharge papers have been signed and everything is ready. You have your schedules right? You'll be back in a few days so we can check on your wrists."

Kurt looked down at the bandages as though he had forgotten they were there. He nodded, moving to the edge of the bed. The doctor handed a few papers to Burt, and gave another warm smile to Kurt before saying a farewell. Once the doctor was gone, Carole began ushering everyone up and around. "Come on, come on. Let's go. I'm sure you boys don't want to stay here any longer than you have to."

Blaine gathered clothes and a couple books, shoving them in his bag along with the papers. He picked up his sweatshirt and slipped it on, grabbing the bag and turning to watch Kurt step off the bed and slip on his own sweatshirt. "We've been ready, just waiting for you guys. I can't wait to finally get out of here." Blaine mumbled, as he walked over to lean against the door frame. Burt was watching him closely, but Blaine kept his gaze down, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"Well, alright then. Let's get you out of here," Burt said gruffly, wrapping an arm around Kurt's shoulders and squeezing his upper arm with his hand.

...

The ride home was quiet, Kurt and Blaine sitting in the back of the car while Burt drove and Carole occupied the passenger seat. Blaine kept glancing over at Kurt, wanting the boy to glance over and meet his eyes. He wanted to hold his hand on the ride home, to have him move over so they were sitting right next to each other and Blaine could curl his arm around his waist and hold him close.

But things weren't normal. Blaine had finally come to terms with it. Things weren't going to be normal with him and Kurt for a long time, if ever. He hated the thought, it causing a dull ache in his chest. He loved Kurt... So much. But everything was becoming so complicated.

So, so complicated for the both of them.

Pulling up to the house, everyone began to get out but Kurt. He sat in his seat, his eyes wide as he looked out his window, the fingers of his right hand curling around his left hand wrist. Blaine watched him from his stance at his still open car door, his eyes watching as his finger scratched at the bandages. "Come on, Kurt." Blaine heard his own choked voice before he realized he spoke, Kurt's head snapping to the side to look at him. He nodded before reaching over and opening his door, stepping out and looking at the house. Blaine's brow furrowed as he closed his door and went to the trunk to get his bag, before making his way to stand beside Kurt. He rested his hand on Kurt's bicep and he winced away, causing Blaine to bite harshly at his bottom lip.

"Let's go." Burt said, leading Carole to the house and unlocking the door to let everyone in. Kurt stepped inside and just stood there, staring around.

Everyone stopped and watched him, Blaine setting down the bag and taking a step towards him. "Maybe we should just... Relax till dinner. Then we can go upstairs."

Kurt looked over and blinked before nodding absently. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Blaine. I'll be in the kitchen."

"I'll join her too," Burt said, his hand winding around Carole's waist.

Blaine nodded and motioned towards the living room. Kurt walked forward slowly, making his way into the living room at his own pace. Blaine stepped around him, going to grab the remote and stand by the couch turning it over in his hand, watching as Kurt looked at him once before sitting down in the arm chair next to the couch. Blaine nodded, chewing on his lip as he collapsed onto the couch end farthest from Kurt.

If that's what Kurt wanted. Then that's what he was going to get.

Blaine turned on the Tv and began flipping through channels. He tried to make it seem as though they had just gotten home from school, not from the hospital after Kurt had cut himself. He wanted at least a bit of normalcy in this darkened moment. But Kurt didn't even make a noise of disagreement when Blaine settled on Star Wars, which was highly unusual since Kurt would have tackled him and demanded him to change it.

But Kurt wasn't normal. Blaine will fight and convince Kurt he wasn't psycho or crazy, but he wasn't normal.

Blaine constantly reminded himself and he hated it.

He looked over at the boy who was curled up on the soft leather, his arms hugging his legs to his chest, and all he wished was for Kurt to open up and let him know why he was acting like he was.

Blaine sighed quietly, turning back to half pay attention to the movie playing out on the screen. He didn't really realize how exhausted he was till Carole had to shake his shoulder to wake him up after he had dozed of unknowingly. He yawned and stretched, feeling even more exhausted than before as he stood up, noticing that Kurt wasn't in the chair.

Blaine was greeted by a loud 'hello' from Finn as he stepped into the kitchen, Burt, Finn and Kurt already sitting at the table. Finn's plate was already full of lasagna and he was already mowing down a piece of Italian bread as Blaine took his seat across the table from him. Kurt was sitting next to Finn, his head down as he poked at the food with his fork. Carole gave him a concerned look as she set a glass of water in front of Blaine before sitting down at the chair at the end of the table.

The dinner table was even worse than the car ride home, everything silent, the only sounds being the scraping of forks against plates and Finn chewing loudly. Blaine kept his head low also as he ate, not wanting to catch anyone's gaze. Blaine's food was almost gone when he heard Carole clear her throat. Blaine glanced up, seeing Finn filling his plate once more. Carole parted her lips, as if to say something, but Kurt cut in with his quiet voice. "Can I be excused? I'm done and I'd like to go to bed."

Everyone looked over at him. Blaine could see his plate was still practically full and he knew both Carole and Burt knew it too, but Carole nodded with a forced smile. Kurt pushed away from the table and Blaine did the same, standing up, "Can I go too? I'll take his bag up."

"Of course," Carole said, pursing her lips slightly as she looked at Burt. Kurt didn't look at Blaine as he hurried out of the room and towards the stairs that led up to the second floor. Blaine grabbed the bag and took two steps at a time to get upstairs quickly. As Kurt was turning into his room, Blaine grabbed his arm right above his elbow making him stop. Kurt gasped and let out a yelp as he felt the fingers close around his arm, his body jerking to get away from Blaine, but Blaine didn't let go. He stepped into the room and closed the door with his foot, dropping the bag on the floor and grabbing Kurt's other arm with his other hand.

"Kurt, look at me," Blaine demanded, his eyes hard as he looked at him. Kurt had his face turned to the side, his eyes closed tightly.

"Let me go," Kurt got out through gritted teeth.

"No. I want you to look at me."

Kurt shook his head quickly, his teeth grinding together. "Let me go!" he said louder, pulling against Blaine's grip.

"Look at me, Kurt!" Blaine yelled.

Kurt's eyes flew open at the volume and anger in his voice, looking at Blaine with wide eyes.

Wide, innocent, terrified blue eyes that automatically made Blaine's grip crumble. "I'm sorry."

Kurt flinched away from Blaine, wrapping his arms around himself as he glanced back at him before going over to sit on the edge of his bed.

Blaine looked at his hands, flexing them, ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

Kurt didn't answer, he just tightened his hold around himself and took in a shaky breath as he stared at the floor.

Blaine sighed and stared at his feet, seeing a dull red spot still stained into the cream colored carpet. He padded slowly over to the bed and sat on the edge beside Kurt, making sure not to be too close.

"I'm sorry, Kurt..." Blaine murmured. This was it. Blaine couldn't hold in anything any longer. He wanted Kurt to know his thoughts before they clawed out of his mouth at the most inopportune moment. "I'm sorry that I started that fight. I'm sorry I made you feel as if I didn't love you anymore. When I love you so much. So much it _hurts_, Kurt." Blaine took a deep breath and looked down at the floor, closing his eyes. "That's why I want to know what's going on. That's why I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me everything that's troubling you.

"I can just see the walls you have put up around yourself. I saw them the first day I met you, I saw them a few days ago and I see them now. And I saw them crumble once, I want to see them crumble again. But I don't see that happening till you open up to me. And when we decided to start this relationship, I hoped this would be a truthful relationship. With no secrets. Because we don't judge each other, and I still don't judge you now. I'm not judging you for what you did, or how you're acting. I just want to see the boy who I love so much. And the boy sitting beside me isn't him. But... I get if you don't want to tell me. I get it. Since that fight, I'd get it if you don't even want to talk to me. But you kind of messed that up when you got my hopes up for us when you asked me to kiss you when you woke up. I know that you probably haven't gotten over the fight, and yes, we should talk about it. But we can't talk about it until you tell me what has been bothering you for so long." Blaine took a shaky breath in, biting his lip for a moment, before opening his eyes and standing up. "I really want this to continue to work between us. I love you, and I wish I would have been here to stop you and help. I want to be able to be around to care for you and make sure nothing ever bothers you so much that you want to do that again. But... With the way you have been acting since the nightmare you had a couple days ago, I don't know if I can handle it. I had to watch you cry and sob into my arms for what felt like hours and I got no explanation. I still don't have an explanation for what you- you did to yourself!" Blaine muttered, gesturing towards one of Kurt's wrists.

"An explanation, Kurt. That's all I want. I don't want you shutting me out. I want to hear you talk to me like before, I want to be able to hold you without feeling your body shake with sobs. I want to hear your voice tell me you love me back. That's all I want. Is all this really too much to ask?" Blaine felt like he was begging as looked at Kurt with big eyes. "Unless... You don't love me anymore." His voice broke as he glanced away for a moment. "I mean. I understand for how rude I was to you. But let me know, so I'm not ripping myself apart." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, waiting for Kurt to answer.

Kurt just stared straight ahead, his lips pressed tightly together. Blaine let out a frustrated sound. He just poured out almost all of his thoughts to Kurt, but it was like he didn't care. His eyes burned with tears as he shook his head.

Was all this really too much to ask for?

He wanted his Kurt back. He wanted the normalcy back in his life.

Blaine stepped towards Kurt, reaching out and resting his fingers along both of his cheekbones, ignoring when the boy flinched, angling his head up. "Let me know what you want. Then maybe I'll come back." His voice broke again as he closed his eyes and leaned forward, placing a kiss on the corner of Kurt's mouth. He pulled away and left the room, leaving the bag and everything.

He couldn't be there any longer. Not with Kurt like that.

He stopped by the door, gripping the edge of the wood in his fingers as he glanced back at Kurt who was watching him. He shook his head as he let out a shuddery breath, closing the door behind him.

He just wanted everything back to normal.

Back to how they were when they were happy.


	8. Chapter 8

_September 7, 2010_

The first time Kurt cut was just a couple days after junior year started. The day before he met Blaine.

He had gone through his junior high years with nothing but harassment from the students and even faculty around him, the taunts continuing into his freshman and sophomore years. Then things took a turn for a worse after last year, when he had a crush on the star quarterback. Everyone had found out and the bullying had gotten worse.

Kurt couldn't help that he felt attraction to other guys. He couldn't stop how he felt, and he had decided to lift his head high and saunter into his junior year with no fear and just acceptance. That was until he had been shoved into the wall of metal lockers, his shoulder taking most of the blow. He had turned his head, watching as two jocks walked down the hall smirking, calling names and high-fiving each other as they turned around the corner.

But that had just been one day. Kurt was sure he'd be able to make it.

But the same thing happened constantly. The second day more than once, one time even causing him to fall to the ground. Then it became more consistent, the worst part being it was still only the first week of school.

No one cared either. They all ignored the harassment. Some even laughed and smirked as they walked by, the disgusting word hanging on the dry air.

Kurt couldn't believe how cruel everyone had grown over the summer, even the Glee club acting as though they hadn't seen anything.

It was still only the first week of school, but had already begun to close in on himself. After the third day, when he was shoved to the ground and had his bag kicked out of his hands, he tried to avoid people. He spoke as little as possible in class, almost running to get to classes so he wouldn't have to deal with running into people. Lunch was eaten in the corner of the library, quickly as possible so he could make it to his next class before the end lunch bell rang. He even pushed away his closest friends in the Glee club, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel.

He knew they knew what was going on, and he wasn't going to sit here and pretend that they didn't. They could try and help, but it was like Kurt deserved it. He never thought his friends could be so cruel. Finn had tried to understand, but it was Finn, and after speaking to him at home Kurt got frustrated over how idiotic he was and stormed out of the room.

Finn promised he'd watch over him, but he was never there when he needed him. He was always at practice or somewhere else that Kurt wasn't.

By Friday Kurt was clawing at his door to get inside and lock himself inside his room. He never wanted to leave, the thought of going back to that retched school caused tremors to shake trough him.

Kurt had begun to build up walls since he was in 7th grade, and here be was, finally building them up and around. He closed out everything, everyone, over the weekend. His phone sitting on his desk as he curled on his bed, staring blankly at his wall.

His father tried to talk to him, but never had enough time with his work at the garage. So Kurt stayed at home alone as Finn went out.

Saturday zoomed past and Sunday seemed to go even faster, Monday sneaking up on Kurt so suddenly that he wanted to throw himself off a bridge- quite literally.

His father had left earlier for the garage and Finn was going to pick Rachel up and take her to school. And with his stupid worn out pick up, he could only fit two. Kurt had practically gotten on his knees, pleading and begging for Finn to take him instead. But Finn was insistent, afraid to anger Rachel.

Kurt walked to school with his bag hugged tightly to his chest, his eyes wide and frightened as he watched every movement possible.

It wasn't good enough though, feeling his feet hit a blunt object, causing him to sprawl across the concrete below him. His bag tumbled away from him, his hands catching his fall, the rough material cutting into the soft skin of his palms.

"Faggot!" Came a voice from above, Kurt glancing up just as the group of jocks turned to continue on their way to the school, laughing and shooting looks back at Kurt.

Kurt took a moment to get up and shake himself off, even then he was late for homeroom.

He spent the entire day terrified; his hands throbbing with every movement, reminding him to keep his eyes open.

At the end of the day, a day free of torture, he ran into a burly chest, glancing up in fright at the stern look that the boy was giving him. Karofsky. One of the blockers on the football team. He placed his hands on Kurt's shoulders and shoved him back, causing him to trip and fall onto his back, yelling at him to watch where he was going. Kurt had just sat up and stared down at his scraped up hands, tears stinging at his eyes.

He had dragged himself home and sat on the floor of his bathroom, shaking and crying, his arms curled tightly around his legs as he buried his face in the material of his jeans. The jeans that were now scuffed up beside of the jocks.

He didn't really think about it. He just needed away to control the horrible pain that just ripped through his body. It's all he felt, ever. He could never concentrate, headaches forming every day since school started. He had heard of kids cutting themselves, and he always detested the thought. He found it to be a way people got attention. He never thought someone would go through that much pain to want to physically harm themselves.

But he had sat there and taken a razor to his arms carelessly. He didn't think of having to hide the cuts, only caring how the throbbing pain ebbed over the eternal pain. It helped him forget about the awful world he was apart of.

Though he found out that the feeling and pain didn't last long. And soon after he wanted to do it again.

He had been disgusted with himself.

He woke up the next morning, the 7th- he'd never forget that date- he wanted to punish himself. The cuts were red and bright against his pale skin. They looked horrible, cut diagonally across his wrists. He had gotten up with great difficulty, not even feeling as if he even really had a reason to get up and try to live, and picked his clothes out carefully. Another pair of designer jeans that hopefully wouldn't get ruined, and a nice Alexander McQueen sweater, where the sleeves were long enough to be pulled over Kurt's knuckles.

Finn agreed to drive Kurt to school, grumbling the entire time over how Rachel would do nothing but complain the entire time. "Like you?" Kurt had mumbled as he stared out the window, afraid to get to school.

Walking into school, Kurt was practically shaking, his heart lodge in his throat. He got to his locker and had gotten his books, glancing around as he shut it, heading for his first class.

A strangled yelp escaped his lips as he felt a pair of strong hands shove against his back, knocking him forward. Kurt stumbled, his books dropping to the floor loudly. He caught his balance, just as another pair of hands shoved against his side, throwing him into the wall of lockers. Kurt whimpered as he dropped to the ground, his shoulder aching. He kept his gaze to the ground as he gripped his bag, leaning forward to reach for a book. A foot came into view, causing Kurt to flinch thinking it was going to hit him, but it hit his bag, ripping it from his grasp and sending it across the hallway. When Kurt finally looked up, he saw a group of jocks. 6 he had counted but there were probably others. Some kids in the hallway had stopped to watch, others hurried past to get to class before the bell rang.

"Please stop," Kurt said quietly, his gaze falling to the floor.

"Oh, listen to the little _fag_ ask us to stop. Awuh." One of the jocks sneered, prodding Kurt's bent leg with the toe of his shoe.

"Oh, it's so cute." Another cooed sarcastically.

Kurt let out a loud yell as he felt a foot connect with his side, gasping as he hunched over. Tears began to roll from his eyes, Kurt's face red with embarrassment. The jocks laughed, the muffled sounds of varsity jackets being slapped loud in Kurt's ears. "Look at the queer cry!"

"Hey! What are you guys doing?" A voice said loudly, a bit forcefully too. "Leave him alone!" Kurt looked up, gasping softly as pain ripped up his side. A short boy was standing in between Kurt and the jocks, his eyes narrowed.

"Oh, are you his boyfriend? How cute. There's another one in this school guys." A jock said, causing other's to howl with laughter.

"Shut. Your mouth." The boy took a step closer, his voice almost a growl.

"Ooh. I'm so scared of a hobbit."

"Shut the fuck up!" The loud yell ripped from his throat, many people in the hall stopping in their haste. The boy stepped forward and shoved his hands against one of the larger jock's shoulders. The jock stumbled back, then surged forward.

"Hey!" Everyone in the hall turned to look as Coach Bieste burst between the two boys holding them apart. "Sanders, this is your third fight this week!" She bellowed. Kurt sat up, wincing as he grabbed the book closest to him and sat back against the cool metal. He knew Coach wouldn't see him sitting there. He was invisible.

"Get to class, Anderson. Sanders, with me now." She dragged the jock down the hall, yelling at people to get to class.

Kurt hugged the book to his chest and held in sobs, his breathing fast and shallow. "Hey..." The voice was softer than when he first heard it, and when he looked up he was surprised to see the same boy who had just stood up for him. He would have never suspected someone dressed like him would try and shove around a jock. He had on a pair of red chinos paired with a white polo and a black cardigan. His messenger bag looked like actual leather, and as Kurt looked he saw his own messenger bag gripped in his hands. Kurt finally looked up and met his eyes- and he let out a quiet whimper. His eyes were like a liquid gold mixed with green, swirled together in a beautiful pattern. Kurt's jaw fell a bit, his lips parted as he sucked in a sharp breath at how attractive this boy was. His dark hair was slicked back with what looked like too much gel, a soft curl breaking free from the mold and resting on his forehead. "Are you okay?"

Kurt realized the boy was talking to _him_ and he immediately felt his face grow warm. "Uh... Yeah." He said quietly, averting his gaze as he ran the back of of his hand across his cheeks. He was embarrassed, this attractive guy had not only seen him gawking, but had witnessed him cry like the worthless person he was.

The boy gave him a look of disbelief, sighing. He crouched down and set the bag on the floor, along with a book he had picked up. He held a hand out to Kurt. "I'm Blaine Anderson."

"Kurt Hummel," Kurt said after clearing his throat, extending a hand to shake Blaine's quickly. "I haven't seen you around here before...?"

Blaine ran his tongue quickly over his lips and Kurt felt his face heat again as his eyes were trained on those moist... Pink... Lips. "I transferred here last week. From Dalton, in Westerville."

Kurt nodded. He'd heard of the school, a school for boys actually. And as stereotypical as it was, he wondered if the boy was gay. Blaine stood up, holding out his hand again. "I've seen you in a few of my classes, I'm sorry I never tried to talk."

Kurt grasped his hand and allowed Blaine to pull him up. He brushed at his pants with his hands, wincing as his side protested when he shrugged. "It's fine. No one usually tries to talk to me anyway."

Blaine made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. "It's horrible how no one did anything. They all just watched as those guys ganged up on you."

"About that..." Kurt mumbled, grabbing his bag as Blaine handed it to him. "Why'd you do that? You could have gotten in a fight. You could gave gotten hurt."

"I know what it feels like to be in your position. Plus, I hated seeing them gang up on you, who didn't- couldn't- fight back." Blaine cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

Kurt watched him closely, but just nodded. "I have to get to class," he said quietly.

Blaine nodded, looking up to catch his gaze. "See you around."

"Yeah... And thank you."

"Of course."

...…...

It was the first day that Kurt had made it to lunch without another jock bothering him. He had gotten weird looks from everyone, since they had either heard or seen the fight in the hall. As he grabbed an empty table at lunch, he felt as if the entire lunch room was staring at him.

He sat in his chair and picked at his small salad, keeping his eyes away from everyone's gaze, his body buzzing with how uncomfortable he was. Suddenly he heard a chair scrape across the floor and it seemed as if the entire lunch room went silent. Kurt looked up in surprise as Blaine set his tray down, a salad identical to Kurt's settled on it along with a water. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, slipping his messenger bag off his arm and onto the floor.

Kurt was at a loss for words as he stared up at him, nodding after a moment. "N-no. I don't mind."

Blaine smiled a dazzling toothy smile- that caused Kurt's heart to do a flip in his chest- and sat down. Kurt blushed deeply as he looked down at his salad, beginning to pick at the lettuce again.

This shouldn't be happening. Kurt knew this was a terrible idea. He knew it was going go end horribly. It happened last year when he fell head over heels for the quarterback.

And now here he was falling _so hard_ for the attractive boy who had decided to try and be nice. He stuck up for him and Kurt automatically felt his stomach twist at the sight of him. It always happened to Kurt. And every single time the boy was straight. So painfully straight.

Kurt's hopes were always brought up to be shoved down and stomped on, just like his himself. His disappointment would eat away at him, and he'd get mad at himself. Because if his body just would corporate, then he wouldn't have anything to be disappointed about.

But here he was. Blushing and his stomach flipping at the feel of Blaine's chair touching his own.

The lunch room had become loud again and Blaine moved his chair closer to the table. Kurt felt Blaine's knee bump his own and he felt his cheeks grow even warmer. "Oh, I'm sorry!" Blaine murmured, seeing Kurt's face and thinking he had made him uncomfortable. He move his chair away a bit and began to eat his salad.

"It's fine," Kurt said, looking up at Blaine and holding back a quiet whine as he moved away.

Kurt had never wanted someone so close- never wanted someone to _touch_ him- as much as he wanted Blaine to, and he had only known him for a couple hours.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Kurt looked up, startled, and blushed darker. "Are you okay? Am I making you uncomfortable? I'm sorry. I can go away." Blaine made to push away but Kurt sputtered, his hand reaching out to touch his arm. He retracted his hand quickly, his face draining of color.

"I-I want you to stay. I'm sorry that I touched you- you can go. I mean- I know it's probably uncomfortable for _you_ now- a-and I'm sorry," Kurt rambled, "I-I'm not uncomfortable- it's actually almost the opposite."

Blaine was giving him a weird look, as his hand rested on the table. His eyes watched Kurt's face closely, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "I'm not uncomfortable... Why would I be uncomfortable? I mean- I'm a touchy person myself. Which is why I didn't think anything about our knees touching..."

"Because..." Kurt blushed again. "I-I'm gay." He said matter-of-fact, because _everyone_ knew that. That's why they tormented him.

Blaine gave him a quizzical look. "I know, I mean. No offense, but everyone knows. Isn't that why those guys were messing with you?"

Kurt was confused now. "I know, but I mean. Everyone is uncomfortable around me. If I touch them, they automatically think I'm out to molest them... And they either become uncomfortable and run away to ignore me forever, or they beat me down. I mean- _everyone_ does that."

Blaine's eyes had a sad to look them as he looked at Kurt. Kurt was so confused by this boy. He was so different from everyone else. But once again. He was probably straight.

"Kurt-" Blaine's hand settle on Kurt's hand that was resting on the lunch table. Kurt gasped and tried to pull it away, but he saw the hurt look in Blaine's eyes and left it. "I'm gay too."

Kurt's eyes widened a bit, his lips parting slightly as he took in a deep breath. A soft blush spread across his cheeks again as he looked at him. "Oh." he breathed softly.

"Yeah. But not many people at this school know. I mean, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten the same treatment as you if the guys knew I was gay." Blaine retracted his hand to look around the crowded lunch room.

Kurt nodded, still trying to get over the fact that Blaine was gay. He was attractive, nice and _gay_.

"Yeah, so. You're not alone now." Blaine smiled.

Kurt smile back, the feeling so foreign to him. Kurt lifted a hand and ran his fingers through his hair. Blaine's eyes grazed his arm, his eyes widening a bit. Blaine reached up, gently taking Kurt's wrist in his fingers and Kurt winced slightly as a soft throb of pain ran up his arm. "Kurt..." Blaine breathed.

Kurt looked down and sucked in a breath. The angry red cuts could be seen, criss-crossing over his skin. Kurt bit his lip and looked away, twisting his wrist out of Blaine's hold and pulling his sleeve down over his knuckles. He turned away from Blaine, staring at his salad that wasn't touched. "I'll just go now," Kurt muttered, getting up and hurrying up to throw out his salad and rush out the doors. He had just stepped out of the doors and into the hallway when he felt a pair of arms curl around his shoulders and the press of a body against his back. "Please, just leave me alone!" Kurt cried, pulling against his hold.

Blaine held him close, sinking to the floor along with him as Kurt just collapsed. No one was in the halls due to lunch and they wouldn't be leaving for a good twenty minutes, so Blaine just held Kurt as he laid limp in his arms, his eyes closed tightly, silent tears on his cheeks.

Kurt was once again disgusted with himself, but he couldn't do anything. He was just so tired. And now there was someone who was understanding enough. Though he had only known this boy for a couple hours, he felt as if he could trust Blaine more than anyone in his life.

Blaine reached forward and picked up his hand, watching as the sleeve of the sweater slipped down his wrist. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the cuts. He pulled his lips back and closed his eyes as he whispered softly into Kurt's ear. "I'm here. It'll all be okay now. You're not alone. You'll be okay."


	9. Chapter 9

_October- November 2010_

Blaine had no idea what he was doing. There was this _beautiful_ boy who needed someone's help, and he was the only one who could do anything. And he had fallen hard for this broken boy.

Blaine knew from the moment he laid eyes on Kurt that he was special. His heart still clenched at the thought of Kurt hunched over the floor, tears streaming down his face. But once Blaine's eyes had met his, he knew he was in trouble.

And watching him break down in the hallway just showed him how much more he needed to help him. Blaine could basically _see_ the walls Kurt had built up. The way he sat alone and didn't talk showed how he had pushed everyone away. He should have known it wasn't a good idea to take him in, but that's who Blaine was. It's how he always would be.

And oh, how Blaine had fallen.

It was only a week after they had first met and just the sight of the other boy had him smiling. He tried his best to be around Kurt as much as possible at school, even though Kurt was uncomfortable the first few weeks. He seemed jittery around Blaine and Blaine had decided to keep his hands to himself. He was a touchy person at instinct, small, soft touches and hugs. It was just him. But every time his hand brushed Kurt's or he got too close, Kurt would blush and try and avoid him.

At first it worried Blaine. There were these feelings twisting his stomach and causing his heart to thud every time Kurt talked, smiled, _looked_ at him and he believed that Kurt didn't have any feelings towards him.

And Blaine knew it was too soon. After only knowing him for a couple weeks.

But it still didn't stop his stomach from twisting every time he stepped into the lunch room and saw Kurt sitting alone at their usual lunch table.

And the jocks were actually side-eyeing them as they walked down the hall. Blaine, who had a few classes with Finn, explained what happened the first time they met and asked Finn to drive Kurt to and from school when he could. He gave Finn his number just in case he couldn't do it so he could call Blaine to have him get Kurt. Blaine wanted to make Kurt as safe as possible.

October was beginning and he saw an incredible difference in Kurt. The walls Blaine had first seen were slowly crumbling down. There'd be a light in his eyes when he was talking to Blaine and he'd _smile_ and _laugh_ which surprised even Kurt. The cuts were fading, them only being shallow so they didn't leave scars, just a terrible memory of the life before Blaine.

Kurt's grades got better and he even tried to participate in Glee club, though he still didn't interact as much as before. And he grew even happier when Blaine joined the Glee club, so they were sitting next to each other every day in that class.

Blaine could see that he had made the right decision when he had decided to befriend him.

Though people were beginning to notice Blaine wasn't all about just the friendship and safety. As in people, it was the guys in the Glee club. One day when they were grouped for a song project and Kurt got to be with the girls, the boys swarmed in on him. They poked and prodded, trying to find out about Blaine and Kurt, acting worse than the girls when it came to gossip. By the end of the class Blaine had admitted to his crush on Kurt and had left the class with his face bright red. He avoided all the boys, blushing every time he laid eyes on Finn or Puck. He was afraid they'd go and tell Kurt, but to his surprise they didn't. They just pestered him every time they got him alone.

They told him why they wanted them to get together so bad. Because Kurt was lonely. He got to watch everyone partner together, and he was left alone. They could see that he needed someone, and they could see the effect Blaine had on their boy. He may not have thought it, but the Glee club looked out for Kurt and they wanted the best for him.

"You make him happy. He never stops talking about you at home," Finn had muttered one day as Blaine and him had walked to class. "He needs someone like you, Blaine."

And Kurt had let Blaine get close, not only mentally, but physically. Blaine had turned back into his old touchy self, the occasional soft touch to his arm, a quick bump of the sides, a quick side hug in happiness. Kurt had at first grown stiff at the slightest touch, but he then began to relax, and then he would relax into the touch and smile, the blush still evident on his cheeks.

One day at lunch Blaine was talking about something funny his mother had done at home the night before. She was trying to cook lasagna and had gotten distracted, and Blaine had hurried into the smoke filled kitchen to see his mother trying to cover the burnt noodles with sauce. "Maybe your dad won't notice!" She had said with a strangled laugh.

Kurt smiled and gave small laughs, but his eyes had a sad look in them and he constantly looked down at his salad. Blaine noticed how he was acting and cocked his head slightly at him. "Kurt, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He said after he cleared his throat.

Blaine had reached over and placed his hand on Kurt's knee, squeezing slightly. He jumped back as Kurt jolted out of his chair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Blaine started to say, retracting his hands and holding them up.

Kurt was blushing and moving his chair away, clearing his throat as he ran his fingers through his hair. He avoided Blaine's eyes, trying everything not to catch his gaze. Blaine was embarrassed, reminding himself that Kurt still wasn't exactly comfortable with the touching. "I'm really sorry. I forgot. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, no. It's fine. It's fine. Just. Didn't expect that." Kurt had coughed. The lunch table got quiet as they turned to their salad. Kurt was fidgety, crossing and uncrossing his ankles. Suddenly Kurt sighed and bit his lip. Blaine glanced over, watching the boy closely. "Blaine- Finn can't take me home today after school..."

"Yeah?" Blaine said, angling himself towards Kurt.

"Can you take me home?" Kurt mumbled quietly, Blaine watching as the adorable pink crossed his cheeks.

Blaine's mouth fell open slightly before he composed himself and snapped his lips together with a smile. "Yeah, sure. That'd be cool."

"Cool." Kurt muttered, crossing his ankles again as his blush grew brighter.

...

Blaine was leaning against the door of his Jeep when he saw Kurt walking across the hallway. His bag was clutched to his chest and his face was still red. Blaine smiled when Kurt looked up, lifting his fingers in a small wave. He opened the passenger door as Kurt got to the car, before he went around to the driver's side. He got in and started the car. "Uh, sorry about how dirty the car is. I haven't gotten around to cleaning it."

Kurt kicked at McDonald's wrappers that were laying at his feet, smiling softly. He chuckled as he buckled himself in. "At least it's not as bad as Finn's."

Blaine laughed as he backed out of the parking space and left the school parking lot. Kurt told Blaine his address and they drove along in silence.

Blaine tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he thought things through. He wanted to tell Kurt how he felt, to let him know what he was thinking. But he was still afraid. What if Kurt sill didn't feel the same way? He was terrified of rejection.

But he had Kurt right here. They weren't talking- it was an open invitation.

And Blaine wanted to take it so badly.

"Kurt..." Blaine started quietly. Kurt looked over, his fingers twisting around his bag's strap. "Uh... I have something to tell you. But... I don't want to make anything uncomfortable between us. I just want to know that if I tell you this... You won't become uncomfortable and leave me..."

Kurt gave him a confused look. "Of course..." he murmured.

Blaine glanced over at him, taking a deep breath. "Kurt, I know it seems so soon. What has it been...? Almost 2 months since we met? And I know- believe me- I know how you feel and how uncomfortable so many things are to you... But... Can I hold your hand?" Blaine asked quietly, moving his hand to rest it on the console between them. Kurt stared at his hand for a moment before reaching out to place his hand in Blaine's. Blaine curled his fingers over Kurt's hand and squeezed softly. Another deep, shaky breath and Blaine finally nodded to himself. "Kurt. I have feelings for you. I _like_ you. I don't want to tell you, but I just can't stay quiet anymore. And you don't have to feel the same way. I wish you would, but just. I don't want anything uncomfortable between us."

Kurt's hand was stiff in his and when he pulled up to Kurt's house, he finally chanced a look over. Kurt's eyes were wide, he looked so scared. Blaine knew he had done something wrong as Kurt looked at him, his breathing fast. He began to scold himself for being an idiot an telling Kurt how he had felt. Kurt grabbed his bag and his fingers curled tightly in the material. "Kurt-"

Kurt's eyebrows knit together as he began to shake his head, a strangled sound making it out of his throat. "I-I can't." was all Kurt said as he got out of the car and ran to his house. Blaine watched him run, his eyes just staring at the door that had closed behind the boy. He let a quiet growl rip from his lips as he yanked his fingers through his hair angrily. "You're such an idiot!" he yelled, slamming his hands against the steering wheel with a frustrated yell. He should have just kept his mouth.

Now he was sure Kurt would never talk to him again. The look of terror on Kurt's face still burning it's way into Blaine's face.

...

Why couldn't Blaine just leave him alone. Kurt was damaged goods, he was already terrified by everything going on around him with Blaine added in the mix and then here was Blaine confessing his love. What was wrong with him? He couldn't like Kurt. No one liked Kurt. He was nice in all, but he just couldn't have feelings for Kurt.

That's what he had been telling himself for the last two months. Blaine was too good for him.

He ran. Just like always.

He ran because he was scared. He was scared of Blaine. Of the feelings he had for said boy. Of the feelings said boy had for _him_. The feeling that had zipped up his arm when his hand had been resting in Blaine's was the best feeling he ever felt, but at the same time it scared the hell out of him.

Everything was so foreign to him now and days. What Blaine was doing to him was just so new and surprising.

Kurt ignored Blaine. It hurt horribly to do. He'd go to school and see Blaine by his locker, and he'd purposely walk the other way. He ignored him during classes, even when Blaine had passed notes to him. During lunch he sat with Rachel and Mercedes, surprising them so much. But they kept him preoccupied as he watched Blaine walk in and look sadly at the table they usually sat and before heading over to sit with Puck and Sam. During Glee club was the worst. He always sat next to Blaine, and he got weird looks when he sat down between Brittany and Santana for the class. This happened all week.

Kurt didn't know exactly why he was afraid to face him. Maybe it was the fact that he was embarrassed that he had acted like that towards Blaine, or if it was just because he was afraid that he would let Blaine in even more if he went to talk to him.

So they went into the weekend with silence.

When Monday came around, Kurt continued with his act. But it was becoming even more heartbreaking as he saw Blaine begin to look worse and worse everyday. He didn't have the sparkle in his eyes when he spoke to the Glee club kids in the hall and he didn't have the boisterous smile that he always did.

And it was Kurt's fault. And it tore him apart to know that.

He had grown fond of the big eyed boy. Seeing him hurt like this was one of the worst things that had happened in the last month.

By Thursday Blaine didn't even try to talk to anyone. His most common answer would just be a shrug of his shoulders.

Kurt kept up his happy, smiley act with the girls, though every time they turned their backs Kurt's smile would fall. This was it. Kurt couldn't handle seeing the boy like that.

So when Glee club ended that day, he went to talk to Finn for a moment before running out of the school without talking to anyone. He walked home, the first time since school started where he didn't get knocked to the ground, and dropped his bag off. He stood in front of his bathroom mirror for much too long, running his hands through his hair to make sure it was right and applying Chapstick to his lips. When he heard the front door open, he hurried downstairs to catch his dad at the door. "I'm going out tonight."

Burt's eyes grew wide as he looked at his son, surprised to hear that he was even leaving the house. "Okay... But it's a school night."

"I know. I won't stay out too late. I promise," Kurt smiled, Burt's eyes going even wider at the sight.

"Alright then. Stay out of trouble."

"Of course, Dad." Kurt leaned over to kiss Burt quickly on the cheek before hurrying out the door and down the sidewalk.

He had the address written down on a crumpled napkin in his pocket, and he knew it was quite far, but he had to walk it. He needed the fresh air and the time to think about what he was going to do. His hands shook, his body shaking soon after. His poor lip was sore from being pulled between his teeth as he agonized over his decision.

He stepped up to the large house, his mouth falling open as he stared at it. He knew Blaine had transferred from a private school, and he should have guessed he had money, and the house was just beautiful. Kurt took a deep breath and grabbed the napkin from his pocket to check the address before shoving back it in. He intertwined his fingers nervously as he walked up to the door, closing his eyes for a moment before forcing his hands to his side, knowing he couldn't look too nervous over it. He reached up and hit the doorbell, his hands shaking even worse than before and his heart hammered against his ribcage.

He let out a large breath he didn't even notice he was holding when it was Blaine who opened the door, looking miserable in a sweatshirt and sweats. His eyes almost bugged out at the sight of Kurt standing on his stoop. He opened his mouth to say something but Kurt's fingers pressed against his lips before anything could come out.

"Let me try something." he said quietly, Blaine's eyes watching him as he nodded. Kurt reached up, threading his fingers through Blaine's curls before crashing their lips together. Blaine stiffened against his lips for a moment, and Kurt almost pulled away before he felt Blaine's hand flutter to his waist. Blaine began to move his lips against Kurt's and Kurt melted against Blaine, letting the other boy wrap his arms around his waist to hold him close.

They pulled away once they realized they still needed to breath, theirs lips disconnecting but staying close. Kurt's breaths came out fast and harsh, his hands still buried in Blaine's hair.

"Kurt." Blaine's voice came out soft and quiet. Kurt opened his eyes and locked his gaze with Blaine's.

"I'm sorry. For acting like I have." He leaned his forehead against Blaine's and closed his eyes. "I'm just... So scared. So, so scared. You terrify me, Blaine. And what I feel for you terrifies me too and I'm afraid to admit all of this to myself."

"Kurt," Blaine murmured again, his hand reaching up to cup the side of Kurt's jaw in his hand. Kurt let his hands fall to his side, opening his eyes to look at Blaine's flushed face. "Don't be afraid. I'm here. I'll always be here." He leaned forward and placed his lips softly against Kurt's, reveling over the feel of Kurt's soft lips against his own. He pulled away to see tears falling down Kurt's cheeks.

"Promise me," came Kurt's choked whisper. "Please."

"I promise, Kurt. I'll always be here. I promise."


	10. Chapter 10

_November 3, 2011_

Two weeks had passed since Kurt and Blaine had last talked. Blaine had gone back to school while Kurt stayed home, Burt finding it best for Kurt to stay home for a couple weeks before being thrown into the chaos. Since the last time Blaine had talked to him, Kurt had felt hollow. Even more hollow than before. Everything in his life was falling apart. Burt and Carole tried to get him back in the mix, but he just had a blank look in his eyes and slight frown on his lips. Burt worried about him and Carole stayed home to watch over him.

Finn himself updated the Glee club on everything that was going on, and let Blaine know how he was doing. Blaine was doing just as bad as Kurt, and he felt horrible for what he had said to Kurt, but he couldn't be around him when there were so many secrets hanging in the air.

But it has been two weeks and he hadn't heard from Kurt. It was like last year when Kurt had ignored him for weeks on end. It was almost exactly like it and Blaine hated it. But this time he doubted Kurt would show up on his doorstep, ready to spill all and to kiss Blaine passionately.

This time he didn't know if it would have a happy ending.

He had broken down multiple times, hidden behind the locked door of his room and lay down on his bed and cried. He promised Kurt he'd never leave. He promised he would always be there. But he had decided to leave Kurt. Decided to leave him alone in a time where he desperately needed him just because he wouldn't tell him what was going on. Maybe all he needed was to be held.

Blaine hoped. But with the way Kurt flinched at every touch, he doubted it. It was like when they first met and he hated the physical part of everything.

They had come so far and suddenly everything was ripped down and thrown into a dark hole to make it seem as if they had gotten no where. It made Blaine so frustrated, and even more so when he had no idea why it had been ruined like it had.

So many things were unknown, and he knew Kurt knew them. Of course he did. And that he didn't feel confident enough to let Blaine know had ripped Blaine to the core.

School was awful without Kurt. So many questions were asked in the halls that Blaine had tried to ignore. He had gotten into a shoving match with one of the hockey players who had made a rude comment about Kurt, and it almost escalated into a full blown fist fight till Figgins decided to cut in.

Blaine couldn't do this alone. And he knew Kurt shouldn't go through what he was going through alone.

He needed to fix this.

He was the one had let Kurt make the decision to call him. But Kurt was having such a hard time... And by the way Kurt had been acting, he wasn't waiting for a text or a call. He was sure Kurt would never call or text him.

And it was once again because Kurt was scared. His old fears were crowding back into his mind. Blaine was still caring for him even after everything, and it scared Kurt. No one was ever that good to him. Not even his father, or Carole or even Finn, as surprising as it is to say. Finn could barely understand what was going on and if Burt or Carole knew they would probably have tried to get him help.

But Kurt didn't want the help they were planning to provide. He wanted the help only love could give, and Blaine had been giving to him. It was only a matter of time before everything crumbled down around him. And his heart ached when Blaine left, but he expected it.

Everything he felt for Blaine was too much. It scared him still, even after all this time. It was so powerful, and it had a firm grip on Kurt's entire composure.

He was afraid to talk to Blaine about it because he was afraid that the only boy he'd ever loved would reject him. Would finally get fed up with the lies and secrets and leave him finally. Not leaving an open invitation to fix everything.

And when that happened, the firm hold would loosen and everything would come crashing down.

He had found that out the harsh way when Blaine had yelled and stormed away from him. He didn't want to live knowing Blaine hated him.

And if it happened for a final time, Kurt would make sure he'd never wake up in the hospital.

Blaine was his everything. He helped build Kurt up and helped him beat down his walls. And even as he built those walls back up, blocking him out, he still stayed even though it irritated him. And even when he had gotten too weak to try anymore, Blaine was still there, standing by his side.

Blaine was his life. His air. When Blaine was gone, it felt as if Kurt had nothing to breath. Like his heart had been ripped roughly from his chest.

And even as his entire life spiraled out of control, and even as he sat on his bed in his haze of depression, he knew that.

But just the thought of calling Blaine caused dread to squeeze his stomach. The worst news he had ever gotten could be at the end of that line. Or even face to face is he ever faced up the courage to talk to him.

But he didn't have the courage. So he slumped around his house, spending his days laying across the couch or his bed, breathing softly and staring into space. Carole had the right mind to leave him alone, though he knew she was always close by watching.

November 3rd. Blaine knew that date so well. Just the year before he had been dragging himself through school after confessing his feelings to Kurt weeks before just to be rejected. It was the day he had opened his front door to see the lithe body of Kurt standing there, silent and watchful. It was the day Kurt had initiated their first kiss on his front step. It was the day that he had promised Kurt he'd never leave him.

This November was much colder than the last, and he knew that it was ridiculous to walk, but he had to. It wouldn't work if he didn't try hard enough.

He had left his house around 5 in the afternoon, buttoning his black pea coat as he hurried down the sidewalk, the cold wind whipping around him. His fingerless gloves were a bad choice of accessory but he hadn't really thought everything over, even his hat was left back at his house.

Blaine's heart was hammering in his chest as he walked up the smooth concrete of the familiar drive-way, the homey two story before him. Blaine stepped up the front steps, glancing back to see that no one's car was there except for Kurt's Navigator. He took a deep breath, running his tongue over his cold lips as he reached forward to rap his knuckles against the door.

He stood and waited for someone to open the door, the cool wind crawling up Blaine's spine. His foot tapped in anticipation and when the door opened his hands shook. His eyes widened as he looked at Kurt before blushing and letting his gaze fall. The boy looked so confused and terrified seeing Blaine standing there. "Blaine, wh-"

Blaine reached up and in one smooth motion trapped Kurt's face in his hands and brought his lips to his. He slid his hands back into Kurt's soft locks, pinning their lips together. Kurt took a moment to melt into the kiss, stiff at first, before moving his hands along with Blaine's, his hands staying at his side. Blaine pulled his lips away, choking softly on his breath as he rested his forehead on Kurt's forehead. He closed his eyes tightly, licking his lips. "Kurt. Kurt Kurt." Blaine mumbled over and over.

Kurt shushed him with a soft tentative kiss to his lips. "Today... Today is the third."

"Yes."

"It's kind of like our anniversary." He murmured quietly, his hands shaking at his side.

Blaine opened his eyes, the pressure behind them almost unbearable. Kurt's eyes were closed and the expression on his face was so serene and peaceful. "Yeah," Blaine breathed.

"You- you remembered."

"Of course. I'll never forget that day."

"Do... Do you still love me?" Kurt's voice was strangled as he spoke.

"Kurt- yes. I love you. I have since I met you and I always will. I love you no matter what and I shouldn't have left you. I should have stayed there and held you in my arms. But I broke your promise and I walked away. But I'm here now. And I promise not to break that promise again. Or any promise at that. I love you, and I'll give you all the time in the world to tell me what you want to tell me." He let his hands trail down to cup his face again, placing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.

Tears were falling from Kurt's closed eyes as he controlled his breathing. "I just- I need to know that no matter what you'll never leave me."

"I'll never leave you ever again. I love you, Kurt. I love you, so much. You're my life."

Kurt let out a sob and Blaine pressed their lips together again. "I love you, Blaine." Blaine gave a shuddery breath at those words. He loved hearing that phrase once again fall from Kurt's lips. "And I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for ruining this relationship. And I'm sorry for trying to- to kill myself." Kurt began to ramble out before Blaine stopped him once more.

"Please, stop. Stop apologizing. Just. Just let me kiss you." Blaine kissed Kurt without another word, his eyes closing as his fingers drifted over Kurt's skin.

Kurt reached up and curled his fingers around Blaine's wrist and pulled one of his hands away from his face. Reluctantly, he pulled away to part their lips. "L-let's go inside. It's cold and I want to talk to you..." Kurt murmured. Blaine nodded, intertwining his fingers with Kurt's as he let Kurt lead him inside and up the stairs. Once they got to Kurt's bedroom, Kurt let Blaine's hand go and closed the door after they stepped in. Blaine stood at the end of the bed as Kurt walked over and crawled on tithe bed, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the comforter. He looked up, his eyes red and his lips slightly swollen from their kissing. He patted the material of the blanket next to him and looked at Blaine expectantly. Blaine slipped out of his coat and shoes, placing them on the desk chair before crawling on the bed to sit next to Kurt. Kurt turned, so they were facing each other, their knees touching. He reached over and took Blaine's hands in his and lifted one to move Blaine's hand to his cheek. He leaned into his slightly callused palm, Blaine watching every movement silently. "You can trust me." Blaine whispered, "I won' leave you. Know matter what."

Kurt looked at Blaine, seeing the truth glow in his eyes, the love and the trust. Kurt let their intertwined hands fall back to his lap before retracting both his hands.

He took a deep, shuddering breath in and slowly let it out. He curled his arms around himself as he felt his eyes sting with tears of remembrance. He was going to bring back so many painful images. "Blaine, just. I'm going to tell you something. And you're going to be _disgusted_ and _horrified_ by me when I'm done. And yes, you just promised me you'd stay. But I wouldn't think any less of you if you want nothing to do with me after this." Kurt's voice was quiet and strained as he watched Blaine's face.

Blaine was confused and scared at the same time. What could Kurt have done that would make him be disgusted by him? Nothing, Blaine told himself. Nothing could make him be disgusted by this beautiful boy. "Kurt. I will _never_ leave you. And I _mean_ it."

Kurt ducked his head as he felt a rush of tears. He dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he tried to compose himself before looking up an locking his eyes with Blaine's. "Two months ago. I-in September. I-I went out with Finn and Rach-chel."

Blaine nodded, "Yes... You were texting me."

Kurt tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he looked at Blaine's innocent expression. He took another shaky breath before continuing. "There was th-this... guy. I wasn't drinking. I wanted to be the sober one out of all us. But this guy, bought me a drink. At first he just bought me... My regular. He came over and sat next to me and- and-" Kurt stopped, clenching his eyes shut for a moment, curling his arms tighter around himself. "Tried talking to me. He tried to get me to drink. And I told him no. Constantly. And I pointed out that I was taken. That I had a boyfriend who I was madly in love with. But it's like that didn't matter to him. He bought me a drink anyway. And I got out my phone to check for messages from you and he knocked my phone to the ground-" Blaine's face was twisted into a look of horror and disbelief but he tried to keep it all hidden behind a pokerface. "He must have d-drugged me when I got down to get my phone..." Kurt's heart lodged in his throat at the hurt look on Blaine's face.

"It effected me quickly. I can barely remember anything at the bar. He got me to his dorm somehow, and- and that's when I began to sober up." Kurt's voice was so quiet as he watched how his boyfriend would react. He tried to keep up his pokerface act but it was soon crumbling. "He- he began to kiss me and I shoved him away. I told him I had a b-boyfriend again. And he said something about it not mattering to him. And how you w-weren't there so it d-didn't matter." Blaine's face scrunched into an expression so sad that Kurt felt the tears begin to fall from his eyes. "He forced me onto his bed face d-down and then- then- then-" Kurt couldn't continue. Suddenly the pictures were flooding in and he broke down, his fingers pressing into his side. Blaine moved and soon Kurt was pulled into his lap as Blaine cradled him against his chest. Blaine had begun to cry himself, holding the boy close and kissing his hair. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. I shouldn't have let it happen. I-I'm a whore," Kurt was sobbing as his fingers curled in the material of Blaine's button-down.

Blaine was furious. He already knew how the story ended without Kurt explaining. "Kurt, please, stop apologizing." His voice was soft, his voice breaking as his own tears made their way down his face. He buried his face in Kurt's hair and took in his smell. "It's not your fault. Not your fault at all. You aren't a whore. Don't you dare tell yourself that." How could someone _do_ that? Especially to a poor, innocent boy like Kurt. How could- that _monster_.

Kurt pulled away, hiccuping as he cried. "Blaine, it was my fault. If I wouldn't have been so careless. If I hadn't acted like I enjoyed his compliments- It was all my fault."

"Kurt Hummel, stop saying that." Blaine demanded. "It wasn't your fault. It was the monster who did this to you's fault. It's normal for people to enjoy compliments. And you weren't careless. He knocked the phone out of your hand- once again his fault." Blaine murmured, sniffling as he reached up to run his thumb over his cheekbone. "Babe, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone? This man who did this needs put away."

"I was so afraid. I continuously told myself that it was all my fault. I told myself everyone would agree and hate me. They'd all agree with me being a whore and hate me. Everyone would want to leave me after they found out. And you. I was so terrified. I still am. Terrified that you'd find me disgusting. That you'd call me a whore and break up with me. That you'd never want to touch me again because I was spoiled."

"Oh, Kurt..." Blaine whimpered leaning towards Kurt to kiss him. "I would never find you disgusting. I wish you would have let me know. I wish I could have helped. I wish I could have been there to stop him from hurting you." Everything was dawning on him. Why Kurt had been limping and complaining about being sore and blushing when he sat down with a whimper. The way he continued to flinch and move away when Blaine tried to touch him. "You should have told someone."

"I can't, Blaine. We can't tell anyone- please." Kurt begged as he continued to let the tears flow freely.

"But Kurt-"

"Blaine, I'm already going to be known as the kid who tried to kill themselves- I don't want to be known as the fag who got raped too. Think of all the awful things, Blaine."

Blaine could already hear the sneers of _"That's what he gets for being a queer"_; _"He probably deserved it, that whore"_. Blaine knew Kurt wouldn't be able to hand all the remarks. He nodded and hugged Kurt close. "Okay. We won't tell anyone." It pained Blaine to say that. If he had his choice he'd be calling the police now and finding the bastard that did that to his boyfriend. But Kurt was so afraid to people finding out and he knew that since Lima was so small, _everyone_ would know in a matter of days.

And that's how things continued that night. Blaine held Kurt for hours as he shook and cried, sometimes pulling away to kiss quietly. And really, Blaine had so many feelings happening at the moment. Horrified and disgusted by the story he had been told and then at re same time happy and relieved that Kurt had taken him back and told him about it.

And he wasn't leaving Kurt this time. He was going to stay by his side for as long as he could.


	11. Chapter 11

**You guys are all caught up now! I decided to just put these all on here while I had the free time!**_  
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><p><em>September 22, 2011 3:45 P.M<em>

Kurt felt disgusting.

He had scrubbed his body raw in the shower for 5 days straight, trying to get rid of the feeling of the man's fingers against his skin. The feel of him inside him. Multiple times he'd have to stop what he was doing and curl up on his bed and cry, shivering and shaking over the visions that would overtake his mind.

And as he stood in front of the full length mirror in his bathroom, naked, he felt absolutely disgusted with himself. His eyes trailed down his thin reflection, his fingers brushing over his hip as he looked at the small fingertip bruises. They were gross and distinctive against his pale skin, and just the sight make his stomach lurch. Those weren't Blaine's fingertips. They should be his, not some strangers.

But that's what Kurt got for being the whore that he was.

A dry sob left his cracked lips as he curled his arms around his naked chest. The floor was cold against his skin as he sunk to the tile, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks.

Blaine was coming over soon. They were having their weekly Thursday night study break. Study breaks that usually ended up being heated kisses on Kurt's bed and searching hands and fingertips.

Just the thought of that word caused bile to rise in his throat. His hand flew to his mouth and he pushed himself up from the floor and scrambled towards the toilet, hunching over the porcelain rim as he retched.

There was so much wrong with him. He stood up on shaky knees after a moment and went back to his mirror, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. His eyes scanned over the evidence of failure. Over the multiple scars that were forming on his upper arms and thighs.

He'd been cutting a lot since that night. He needed a way to deal with the pain and once again that was the best idea. He had remembered to hide them though this time, only cutting along his upper arms and the top of his thighs. No one would know this time. They would know nothing.

Kurt finally dragged himself up and got dressed, combing his fingers trough his damp hair as he stepped out into his room, stopping dead. Blaine was sitting at the end of the bed still clad in his khakis and polo from earlier, his book bag sitting on his lap. He looked at Kurt, a look of concern crossing his features. Kurt was ready to question him but Blaine stopped him. "Finn let me in. Are you okay?"

Kurt blushed, his fingers twisting around a couple strands of hair. How long had he been sitting there? Did he hear him vomit? "Uh- yeah. I'm fine? Why?"

Blaine continued to look at him with that same stupid look of concern. "Are you sure? I mean- it sounded like you were getting sick. And I didn't want to go in just in case you weren't dressed or something..."

_Damn..._ He had heard Kurt. He cleared his throat and shrugged. "I'm fine."

Blaine's eyebrows knit together but he set down his bag and held out his arms. Kurt walked over cautiously and Blaine motioned for him to sit. Kurt lowered himself onto Blaine's lap and he curled his arms around his neck. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist and pulled him close, burying his nose in the crook o Kurt's neck."Have I told you how much I love your body wash? You smell so nice after a shower," he murmured.

Kurt chuckled humorlessly, keeping his eyes down. Blaine shouldn't have been touching him. He was a whore. He had _cheated_. If only Blaine knew. "Let's get to studying," Kurt muttered, pulling himself from Blaine's grasp. He walked around the bed and stretched out across it on his stomach, bending his knees as he grabbed for a text book off his bedside table.

Blaine let out a breath before pulling his legs up and turning so he was facing towards Kurt. He crossed his legs and grabbed his own book, huffing softly. Thursday night study dates weren't really made for _studying_. They had figured out that it was the only day that Burt and Carole weren't home at night, so they said they were "studying" when they would close Kurt's door and spend the night exploring each other.

Over the clothes of course. Blaine could tell that Kurt wasn't ready for anything like that, so he was determined to find out what Kurt enjoyed and what made him melt under Blaine, and vise versa. He had figured out his favorite spot on Kurt- a spot on Kurt's neck just above where his neck and shoulder met- where if he kissed it softly, Kurt would start squirming and mewling. Blaine absolutely loved it and took advantage of his new knowledge.

So when Kurt suggested they study, he was taken off guard. _What no? My lips should be touching your skin right now!_ he had wanted to whine. But he obliged and just watched as Kurt spread out in front of him.

Which wasn't fair in the least. Yeah, Blaine respected Kurt's boundaries- but he was still a teenage boy. The sight of the the lithe, lean body of his boyfriend stretched out in front of him was enough to send his blood on detours south. Which was embarrassing, since Kurt had begun to ignore him for his book. Blaine chewed his lip as he watched the boy, his eyes sliding over his back and along the dip of his lower back.

He set his book to the side and unfolded his kegs, crawling ever so slowly towards Kurt. He looked over with a judging look before rolling his eyes and returning back to the boring History textbook. Blaine moved so he was close to Kurt's side, leaning over so he could hook his chin on Kurt's shoulder. "What do you want, Blaine?"

"I just wanted to read history with you..." Blaine whispered, his bottom lip sticking out in a pout though Kurt didn't look. He moved his hand and rested it on the small of Kurt's back feeling his back stiffen. Blaine moved his head and nuzzled his nose against the back of Kurt's neck, hoping it would help loosen Kurt up a bit, though his back stayed rigid. Blaine found his favorite spot and kissed along the back of Kurt's neck.

"Blaine-" Kurt sputtered out, his face bright red.

"Hm?" Blaine hummed, running his lips to his favorite spot and pressing them against the hot skin.

"Blaine-stop!" Kurt said forcefully, rolling onto his back quickly and shoving Blaine back. Blaine's eyes flew wide as he fell on to his back before he scrambled to sit up. Kurt had moved to huddle at the end of his bed, knees hugged tight against his chest. His face had grown bright red and he was facing away from Blaine, once again ashamed.

"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine muttered, shifting back on the bed to be farther away from his boyfriend. Kurt stayed mute as his body shook, his fingers clutching tightly at the material of his pajama pants. "I'm so sorry." What had he done wrong? They had done things like that constantly, why all of a sudden did Kurt want to push away? And forcefully too. Blaine was confused and mad at himself, wishing he would have known Kurt didn't want to do anything.

An uncomfortable silence settled around them. Blaine's face red as be just continued to look dejected, his eyes trained on Kurt as he unconsciously ran his nails over his wrist over and over again.

"Should-should I leave?" Blaine asked softly. Kurt looked up, his eyes wide with fear, causing Blaine's heart to break. Kurt took a deep breath, looking down at the blanket, anywhere but up at Blaine.

"I just- I just want to study." Kurt muttered.

Blaine pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down on it for a moment. "Sure." he grabbed his book back up and moved off the bed, sitting at Kurt's desk. He opened his math book and began to just stare at the jumbled numbers on the page. He couldn't concentrate. Not with the guilt over what just happened still resting on his conscience.

He hated pushing Kurt too far. It didn't happen a lot, but when it did, Blaine thought that that was that. Every single time Kurt freaked out, Blaine was sure Kurt would break up with him.

But it hadn't happened yet, though many times Blaine would beg Kurt to break up with him. He'd try and convince Kurt that he wasn't a good enough boyfriend, and Kurt would hush him with a soft kiss and then he'd talk about why Blaine _was_ the perfect boyfriend.

But this time had been the worst. All he did was kiss Kurt's neck. They do that all the time. Kurt constantly has to wear makeup or scarves to hide marks Blaine makes when they're alone. And yeah, he placed his hand on his back, but that's common too. It's not even close to the time when Blaine had rocked his hips down into Kurt's a bit unexpectedly as Kurt had gasped and shoved Blaine off the bed. For which he apologized for right away and said that maybe they should keep it a bit more... innocent, if you will.

This time it was just simple touches that had drove Kurt to gasp and push him away. And knowing it was these simple touches that did it was what was driving Blaine crazy. They had come so far physically and Kurt pushed it all away. Blaine was frustrated, but he wasn't going to leave till Kurt told him to leave.

He constantly shifted in his seat, looking over at his boyfriend who had curled in on himself and had his book on his bent knees. Blaine's guilty conscience was still pressing down, and as the silence continued on, Blaine began to feel even worse. He wanted to collapse at the foot of the bed and apologize over and over till Kurt took him back in his arms.

Which soon enough happened when Blaine couldn't handle it anymore.

He stood up and walked around the bed so he was close to Kurt. Then he fell to his knees and clutched at the blanket with his hands. "Kurt, I'm sorry," was all he said at first, and Kurt looked up at him with large eyes. Blaine's heart broke as he still saw a bit of panic in them. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. We should have just kept studying. And I'm the idiot who tried to get you to forget about studying and I'm sorry for making you so uncomfortable. I'm such a horrible boyfriend. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

Kurt looked uncomfortable as Blaine apologized, pulling his legs closer and biting his lip. "Blaine, stop apologizing. Really. It's fine. You're not an awful person. So shut up."

Blaine was taken a back at his forcefulness and he looked at Kurt with wide eyes. "Okay."

Kurt bit back his uncomfortableness as he motioned for Blaine to get up. He was shaky as he let Blaine get on the bed. Kurt laid on his side and reached back for Blaine's hand. "Just... Just h-hold me." The last thing he wanted was for Blaine to be guilty when he was the one had had the breakdown. So he was going to give Blaine what he wanted- or at least the closeness.

When Blaine laid behind him after Kurt assured him he was fine, Kurt stiffened. The feel of Blaine's front against his back, and the hand on his waist broke back memories of different hands and a different feeling.

But he tried his hardest to make Blaine happy.

Even as silent tears streamed down his cheeks as Blaine kissed the back of Kurt's head, still whispering soft 'sorry's.


	12. Chapter 12

_October 22nd, 2011 2:38 P.M_

Blaine was frustrated. By the end of the school day he wanted to rip his hair out by the handfuls.

He loved Kurt, but the way he had been acting was sending him up the wall.

Kurt spent everyday quiet and closed in on himself. He barely ever smiled. He barely laughed. Touching him was out of the question. Any time Blaine brushed him or reached over on instinct, Kurt would wince and then look away. Then a day of silence between them would ensue.

It was wearing Blaine thin.

Confronting Kurt was out of the question. Blaine didn't want to start a fight. But he had no other idea on how to get an explanation from Kurt.

Blaine sat in class and watched Kurt. He was sure his grades were dropping with how much he paid attention to his boyfriend and not class. He watched the way he doodled in his notebook, never looking up at the teacher. He watched the way he never answered questions. Never talked to anyone around him.

It seemed so much like when they first met.

And they had come so far.

Blaine's chest was tight with that thought.

It's been a year of change and love and babysteps. Then they were suddenly shoved down a mountain, breaking everything they had come to know.

His fingers curled around Kurt's upper arm and he flinched away in the hall. Blaine tried to ignore the hurt he felt at the action, the disappointment that seeped into his blood.

The bathroom was empty when Blaine pulled Kurt into it, closing the door behind him as he let go of his arm. Kurt curled his arms around himself and looked away from Blaine.

"I need to talk to you." Blaine said.

"Can we not do it here?" Kurt asked, his voice soft.

"Yes, of course. I just needed to be able to speak to you without you walking away from me. I can drive you to your house? Then we can talk there?"

Kurt shrugged, biting his lip. "Sure."

Blaine sighed, running his hand through his hair. He held back the sounds of frustration he could feel creeping up his throat. He didn't want to yell at Kurt. He just hated fighting with him.

But this was it.

He was tired and irritated and just wanted the truth.

The wind was whipping as Blaine leaned against the passenger side of his door. He pulled his coat closer and shivered as he watched Kurt make his way with his head held down against the wind. Blaine opened and closed the door for him before heading over to his own side.

When they pulled up to Kurt's house, Kurt pulled out his bag and hurried to the door, trying to get out of the cold as fast as possible. The Hummel-Hudson's house was joyously warm when Blaine walked in, following Kurt up to his room.

Once the door was closed behind them, Blaine looked over expectantly at Kurt. Kurt was on the other side of the room, his bag resting on the floor next to his desk. He was by his beside table, rearranging the face creams and other bottles he had resting there. Blaine cleared his throat, rubbing his hand together. Kurt looked over at him, startled.

Blaine held out his hands and took a step forward. Kurt turned and shrugged, "You're the one who wants to talk."

Blaine closed his eyes for a moment. "Kurt." He took a deep calming breath. "Tell me what is wrong."

"There's nothing wrong."

"Yes, there is."

"Well, you're wrong, Blaine. Because I'm perfectly fine." Kurt insisted.

"Stop talking!" Blaine snapped. "You are nothing close to fine. And I don't want you spouting _lies_ at me."

Kurt looked taken aback by Blaine's tone. Blaine clenched and unclenched his fingers, trying to stay calm.

He couldn't snap on Kurt.

He had to hold on.

"I'm fine, Blaine." Kurt shot back.

Blaine felt his composure slipping. "Kurt. You are not fine."

"Then, I don't know what to tell you, Blaine. I don't know what you want to hear? Because I have _nothing_ to tell you." Kurt said desperately, his voice growing high and tight.

Blaine tilted his head to the side and clenched his teeth. "I love you. But you really need to stop talking right now. Because if you were fine, you wouldn't flinch when I touch you. You would talk to me." Blaine's stomach twisted painfully at the thought that this was the most that Kurt had talked to him in the last three weeks.

"I'm talking to you right now, am I not?" Kurt spit out.

"_Stop talking_!" Blaine yelled, everything snapping inside him. Emotions rolled through him, his breathing becoming fast. Kurt took a step back, his cocky look turning to surprise. "Seriously, Kurt. You're doing nothing but lying to _my face_! I. Know you are. We have come so far! You were fine! You were okay! We were _working_! Then I don't know what happened. Suddenly I can't _touch_ you anymore. I want to kiss you, feel your skin like I usually do, but I can't. Because you suddenly treat me like one of the jocks I pushed away from you. You flinch like I've _hit_ you before. I've never hit you before. Never hurt you at all. I just don't understand why you're acting like you are. You barely talk to me. Passing words. I haven't heard you say 'I love you' in forever. You don't talk to _anyone_. You have shut out your friends and family and the entire school. It makes me wonder what your grades are like." Blaine didn't realize how loud his voice was till after he stopped, his breathing deep and fast.

Kurt had taken another step back, a hurt look on his face. Blaine hated the look. It literally ripped him apart to see the fright in Kurt's eyes, the sad frown pulling at the corner of his lips. His arms curled tightly around him, his hands shaking as they gripped his shirt. Why they were shaking, Blaine didn't know. Maybe because he was scared, or because he was afraid to admit something. But he didn't answer Blaine. When he met Blaine's eyes, he looked away, his head tilted down in shame. He began to shake his head, his lips pressed tightly together.

Blaine was frustrated, his anger from minutes ago still lashing out inside him. "Why can't you tell me what's wrong! You've curled in on yourself and kept me out! Kurt, you need me, but you won't let me help!" Blaine yelled. Kurt shook his head furiously as he backed up a bit more. Blaine took his lip harshly between his teeth, keeping more words from pouring from his mouth.

Him and Kurt had never fought over anything. They were always so truthful, so _trustful_ of each other. When they had gotten frustrated with each other, they'd tell the other and try to work everything out. But Kurt was the one who wasn't cooperating now.

"I'm tired of you never telling me anything! What's the point of having a relationship without trust. I'm over this, Kurt!" Blaine didn't think his words through. He didn't mean for them to come out as they did. He would admit he needed space from Kurt, but he couldn't break up with the boy. Never. He wanted to take the words back, but it was too late. Kurt had heard. The effect had already begun.

Blaine's head snapped up when he heard a broken breath coming from Kurt. Kurt had stopped shaking his head, but he looked so worn down. His body was exhausted. "I just... I can't, Blaine. I can't." His voice was soft, and tear ridden, breaking on the last word.

Blaine's heart broke, his anger simmering away at the sound of his voice. He saw his body begin to shake as suppressed the sobs and tears. Blaine hung his head, knowing he was the one to cause this. "Why can't you just tell me? Why won't you let me in? Please. Let me help you," Blaine begged. He didn't know what else to do. He was so helpless when it came to helping this boy. This broken boy he had taken in to try and the fix. The boy he wasn't able to fix, no matter how hard he tried. "Kurt-" his voice broke on his name, turning his head to the side as he heard his voice turn from strong to thin and wavery and thick with tears. "I want to help you. I need you. And you need me. Please. Just please." The last words were said in a whisper. He was losing this fight, Kurt not doing anything to help.

Kurt shook his head again, this time tears were visible on his cheeks. "I can't, Blaine."

Blaine sucked in a breath, biting his lip, hard. He closed his eyes tightly, his fingers clenching around air. "I need to go. I- I just- I need to go." With that, Blaine turned and walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

The sound of the door slamming shook Kurt, shattering every last resolve in him. He was exhausted. His body and mind weak. He just collapsed, laying on his floor, curling into a ball. His arms tightened around himself as he began to sob.

He wanted to be normal and safe again.

He wanted Blaine to come back and hold him and kiss away his tears.

He wanted all this pain and disappointment to go away.

He wanted to feel awake and well; not exhausted.

He wanted so many things he knew he couldn't have because he couldn't come clean. Because he _wouldn't_ tell Blaine.

But he couldn't tell Blaine about everything. He couldn't. He would leave. So would everyone else. Because Kurt was now damaged goods. And nothing was good about him. He was vile. He was only good for being used and thrown around. He was a cheater. A weak person who couldn't stick up for themselves. Blaine deserved someone so much better than Kurt. Someone who could give him the love and care he deserved. Someone who could satisfy the needs that Kurt had satisfied for someone who wasn't Blaine. Someone who wouldn't cheat on him with a boy at the bar.

Someone so much better than Kurt, because Kurt was trash.

His life was shattering, crashing down around him. He was losing his mind, his body, his control. Now he was losing Blaine.

He didn't have anything to live for.

Had no reason to wake up next day.

It was a subconscious decision. But he made it. And he was going to carry it out. Maybe not today.

But the next day.

If he had no Blaine, no love, no safety, _everything_ Blaine was, then he was nothing.

Then he was better off dead.


	13. Chapter 13

**The feedback I have received from this story is incredible! I thought I'd take time to say a few things before I give you next chapter. You can skip over this if you want.**

**For MyFriendIrene who asked me to read her story, Yes, I read it, but I don't always have the time to keep up with stories with my hectic life and trying to continue writing, so I can't always review, but I'm reading it and I love it. Also, I want to thank you for reading and reviewing on both Scarves and Coffee and on here. You're awesome.**

**And I really just want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing and telling me how it's doing. All your guy's amazing comments make my day so much better, so thank you!**

**If you have any questions or comments about the story, or anything to do with the writing, you want me to answer, review with them and I'll answer them on the next chapter.**

**Now on to Chapter 13 :D_  
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><p><em>November 4, 2011<em>

Blaine was shattered on the inside.

Outside he stayed cool and collected, not letting Kurt see how much his story had actually effected him.

The truth didn't ruin Blaine's vision of Kurt, nothing ever would, it just tore Blaine down inside.

He should have been there for Kurt. He should have said no to his parents when they asked him to go to the restaurant with them and gone to the bar with Kurt. Or at least he should have convinced Kurt to stay home and watch Moulin Rouge with him. Cuddling under the blankets, Kurt's soft skin against his lips.

But he hadn't. He had agreed to go with his parents to the stupid business date so they wouldn't get mad.

Then there was his poor, delicate Kurt. His Porcelain. His life. His _everything_ being dragged out to a bar he'd never been to, shoved into a crowd he'd never known and never wanted to know.

Blaine was beating himself up over the entire thing.

He should have been with Kurt. He should have been the man buying him drinks, pulling him out on the dance floor so they could dance with their bodies close. He should have been there to catch the asshole who had drugged his love. He should have been there to stop him from taking Kurt home.

Blaine's stomach twisted cruelly every time he thought of what that guy had done to Kurt. He didn't want to think of any of this stuff around Kurt, didn't want him thinking that Blaine was disgusted by him and wanted nothing to do with him. That was the farthest thing from the truth. Nothing could make Kurt disgusting, even the thought of another man forcing touches on him.

Blaine knew why Kurt had been so scared and flinchy now. Bile would rise in his throat as he closed his eyes, the visions of another guy's fingers pressing into Kurt's flesh, another guy's lips on his skin.

Even worse knowing it was forced on his boyfriend. On _Kurt_ of all people. He was so strong on the outside it seemed, but so easy to break. And this guy had done just that. He had broken every last bit of strength Kurt was holding onto till he fell into an awful depression. A depression he could never get out of.

He had broken Kurt down till he was just tiny fragments on the floor, being grounded in with each harsh word, soft touch, passionate kiss, till he was nothing. Till he wanted nothing more than to die.

Blaine stayed home from school that Friday, spending the say Kurt's. He stayed up in the room with him, the two tangled together on the bed watching movies. Kurt was damaged. Blaine knew it. And every time a wave of tears washed over Kurt, Blaine would hold him close and whisper soothing things into his ear. Burt and Carole had watched them closely at first, making the door stay open and checking in everyone and a while. Blaine could tell they were curious over why Kurt was acting like he was, but Blaine was going to accept Kurt's wishes and wasn't going to tell them.

That weekend Blaine got permission to stay. Him and Kurt spent the entire weekend like they had that Friday. They never left each other's side, and Blaine was always there when Kurt collapsed in emotions. They sat close at the dinner table, watching each other as they at. In the living room watching TV, Kurt was almost on Blaine's lap, pulled close to his side as he cuddled against him. Blaine loved being able to touch Kurt now without him flinching or crying.

The truth Kurt told helped draw them closer. Now that Blaine knew something that had been tearing at Kurt for months, everything was easier. He was able to open up to Blaine and not feel judged. Because even though Blaine knew all the details he still loved Kurt and held him just as before. It was everything Kurt wished for.

Kurt even let Blaine sleep in the same bed as him, which caused Blaine to huh him close and whisper how much he loved him in his ear. In a couple days they had went from Kurt flinching to Kurt letting Blaine sleep next to him, sleep against him. Burt and Carole didn't know at first. They thought Blaine was sleeping on the floor, until Sunday morning when they walked into Kurt's room to wake the boy's up and found Kurt clutching to Blaine's shirt in his sleep, tears dried against his cheeks with Blaine's arms wrapped tightly around him. They had left them alone, deciding that the two boys knew how to be responsible.

The weekend was perfect for both Kurt and Blaine. Though Blaine still had moments where he just broke down, thinking of what Kurt had told him, just being back with Kurt made him extremely happy. Even though Kurt still constantly broke down, he loved him and planned on being there as many times as could when the tears began to fall.

...

_November 7, 2011 6:35 A.M_

Monday.

The day Kurt had been dreading.

He stood in front of his full length mirror, in his usual normal attire of designer jeans and a nice button-up short-sleeved shirt, with a nice cardigan to cover it all and fall down to his wrists. He stared at his reflection, his breathing even.

He looked normal. Makeup covering the dark bruises beneath his eyes. His brown hair felled just right and combed back. Looking at him you'd see a perfectly normal teenage boy. Well, gay teenage boy.

But on the inside he was nothing close to normal. He was terrified and nervous. His heart was constantly beating faster than it should. His head hurt as a headache formed.

He was nothing close to normal. But no one would know that.

Unless they saw the bandages, but that was what the cardigan was for. No one would see the bright white gauze on his wrists.

"Kurt?" Kurt was startled as Blaine's soft voice filled his room. He spun around, taking in his boyfriend who was standing in his doorway with a sincere look on his features.

Kurt's blue eyes suddenly misted over and Blaine hurried across the room, pulling the boy against his chest. Kurt nuzzled his face in the crook of Blaine's shoulder as he began to shake with sobs, tears falling down his cheeks. "Hey, hey-" Blaine sooted, rubbing circles on Kurt's back as he clutched himself close.

"I'm so scared," Kurt hiccuped, pulling away, hanging his head in shame as he reached up to wipe at his eyes.

"It's going to be fine. Stay by my side all day an everything will be just fine."

"But you aren't in my math class. What am I suppose to do-"

"Rachel and Tina are in there. They already said that they'd watch over you. It's going to be fine." Blaine kissed Kurt's forehead. "Now let's go."

The ride to the school was quiet. Kurt clutched Blaine's hand, looking out the window as he tried to keep his breathing calm while Blaine rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb. He kept glancing over at Kurt, making sure he wasn't crying.

When thy pulled into a parking spot, Kurt was rooted to his spot. He was terrified to step foot out of the car. Blaine walked around and opened the door, holding out his hand for Kurt to grasp. With their book bags slung over their shoulders they walked together into the school, Kurt's head bent down towards Blaine's. Blaine walked with his head held high for both of them, his hand slipping around Kurt's waist to keep him close.

The whole school was looking at them, whispers erupting across the hall. _"He's back!" "Kurt Hummel is back?" "Is that the psycho who tried to kill himself?"_ Blaine hurried Kurt to their first class, getting him away from the torture.

The school day went quickly, Blaine pushing Kurt to go as fast possible to the next class to get away from everyone. No one could mind their own damn business.

Soon enough, it was math class. Blaine didn't want to leave Kurt alone, but there they stood outside the math room, Blaine holding Kurt's hands. "I love you. It's going to be fine. I'll be right here to take you to lunch." He kissed Kurt's hands, before pressing a fleeting kiss to his lips and spinning on his heels to leave.

Kurt clutched his bag to his chest and walked into the classroom. He took a seat in the back and stayed quiet, hoping not to be seen. Rachel and Mercedes walked in and gave him sad looks, but he just ignored them.

When the bell rang he stayed in his seat till everyone had left. He got up and left the classroom, looking up and down the crowded hallway for Blaine. He couldn't find him anywhere.

Maybe he had forgotten? Kurt would just walk to lunch and find him there. He began down the hall, keeping his book bag against his chest as he maneuvered down the hallway.

He could feel the stares burning through body. The whispers were loud in his ears, as if they were talking right in his ear. He could hear the words, psycho, fag, crazy, stay away. He clutched at his bag, his breath catching in his throat. He made the mistake of looking up and seeing that almost everyone in the hallway was looking at him. Not with pity or sadness.

With disgust.

Like not only did they know he had tried to kill himself, but as if they knew he had been raped.

Kurt was suddenly stripped bare in front of them. He stopped in the middle of the hall, staring around him.

They found him even more disgusting now. He was ugly and gross and no one liked him and never would now. Because he was gay. Because he tried to kill himself. Because he was crazy.

Kurt stumbled back as a shoulder slammed into his. He spun around, glaring as Karofsky laughed and high-fived another jock. He just stared after them.

They stopped and glared at him. "What are you looking at fag?" the other jock sneered.

"He's probably stripping us with his eyes," Karofsky barked.

Kurt took a step back as the two stepped forward. "Leave me alone," his voice was silent.

Karofsky barked a laugh, rolling his eyes. "Listen to him try to tell us what to do."

"Oh, that's funny."

"Let's see if we can get him to beg."

"Yes. Let's." The sneer caused Kurt to stumble back again.

The two advanced on him quickly and he tried to stand his ground. The hallway was silent as everyone watched. Karofsky got close and shoved Kurt back, causing him to stumble and drop his bag. The other jock kicked the bag away, laughing as he turned back to the frightened boy. Kurt felt the tears welling in his eyes as he clenched his teeth.

Karofsky got in his face, chest to chest. "You're disgusting. Trying to draw attention to yourself by trying to kill yourself. No one is going to like you even after that. Because you're disgusting and ugly. No one likes you." he sneered this in his ace, before stepping back and pushing him back again. Karofsky raised his curled knuckles, but his arm was suddenly held back by another.

"_What the fuck are you doing!_" Finn screamed. "Karofsky, you are such an asshole. You will not treat my brother like this. Neither will you, Dominic." Finn let go of Dave's wrist and shoved him back.

Kurt felt a pair of arms curl around him and he automatically turned and buried his face in his chest, tears beginning to fall as soon as smelled Blaine's cologne. Blaine whispered hushed words in his ear.

"If I see this again, I swear to God, I'll beat your ass." Finn growled into his face, turning to look around the hall. "This goes for all of you."

"Yeah. Because you'll have to deal with all of us." came another voice as Puck stepped out of the crowd alone with Sam and Mike.

"You all are pathetic. This kid has gone through hell and you guys whisper. You whisper and sneer and glare and make him feel worthless and like he doesn't belong. He is crying. You all should feel ashamed of yourselves! Ashamed!" Sam was yelling and glaring at everyone in the hall.

Blaine ushered Kurt through the crowd as Finn turned to them again. "He tried to kill himself because of all of you. Because the way you treat him. I hope you guys are glad. I hope you guys have that weighing on your mind now. Because if he would have died, his death would have been because of you. You all should feel pathetic. And ashamed. And I hope you rethink your lives." Finn threw a glare at Karofsky, shoving him back again. He stepped and walked towards Sam, Puck and Mike. "Let's go."

Blaine had move Kurt to the bathroom, where they had slid down the wall so they were sitting on the tile floor. He had Kurt in his lap, held against his chest as he cried and fisted his fingers in Blaine's shirt.

"I'm disgusting, Blaine. No one likes me. I shouldn't be here. I should be dead," Kurt muttered, stalling his tears and sniffling.

"Kurt Andrew Hummel. Do not say that." Blaine scolded, reaching up to cup his chin with his fingers. He made him meet his eyes, Blaine's eyes searching Kurt's. "Don't listen to those assholes. I love you. And so does everyone who just stood up for you. "You deserve to have life more than those kids in the hall. It doesn't matter what they think."

"But no one likes me. I'm ugly. And disgusting. And... And ruined." Kurt muttered, eyes falling.

"Kurt... You are absolutely beautiful. I can go through everything beautiful about you, but it would take too long. You aren't disgusting at all and you aren't ruined. Nothing could ever ruin you, Kurt." Blaine felt tears prick at his own eyes. "I love you. And I find you to be the most perfect thing in the world. An if you ask my opinion, I believe that that's really the only thing that matters."

Kurt hiccuped and met Blaine's eyes again, his eyes shining with tears. "Thank you... I love you. so much. I love you-" he murmured again, before reaching up to thread his fingers through his hair. "Maybe one day we can tell each other what we love about the other..." he whispered, Leaning forward to press his lips against Blaine's, tears wet on his lips.


	14. Chapter 14

_November- December 2011_

Things had gotten better as the month went on. Blaine went to the office and got his schedule fixed, making sure he was in every class with Kurt. He wasn't going to have what happened in the hall happen again. He hadn't met for his teacher to hold him back for so long, he had felt awful.

November had soon gone and past, December opening up all new opportunities and new obstacles.

Like the fact that this was their senior year and they were heading off to college at the end of the year. Blaine worried, wanting to put away all his college ideas just so he could apply for the same school as Kurt, but Kurt stopped him. As they sat on Blaine's floor, he explained that they would apply for the colleges they wanted, and when they got acceptance letters, only then would they let each other know what schools they picked. Blaine hated the idea, but Kurt didn't want Blaine giving up all of his opportunities because of him.

Kurt was able to get his bandages taken off in the beginning of the month, showing him the effects of his decision. The crisscrossing scars across his wrists that were a light pink, barely visible against his pale skin. Blaine took every chance he had to bring Kurt's wrists up to his lips, kissing them before kissing his lips. Just like everything else about Kurt, he found them apart of him now, meaning they were beautiful. Blaine wanted to try and put the troubles behind them, hoping they'd be able to. It was a long shot, but he hoped it would work.

Snow was beginning to fall around Lima, coating the small town with a beautiful blanket of glistening snow. It was the first night after a large snow storm passed that Blaine wanted to take Kurt out.

Kurt bundled himself in his black pea coat with a scarf along with black gloves. He was pulling on his winter boots onto his feet when Blaine appeared in the door way of his house, opening the door and smiling. "Hello, Love."

Kurt sat on the bottom step, pulling on the second boot, smiling up at his boyfriend dressed in an almost identical pea coat. But Blaine had on a black beanie and gloves, no scarf. "Hey. I'm almost ready." He stomped his foot on the ground, making sure the book was on all the way before calling a goodbye into the house. He looped his arm with Blaine's and smiled largely up at him, excited to go and spend a wonderful day out.

They got into Blaine's car and Blaine drove them to a large patch of woods a couple blocks from Kurt's house. He got out and hurried to the passenger door, letting Kurt out. Kurt smiled as he got out of the car, putting his hands in his pockets to try and keep them warm for the time being. When Blaine had closed the door and was ready, Kurt moved to loop his arm with his again, leaning into Blaine's side to seep some warmth from his boyfriend.

Blaine led Kurt into the woods, the trees glistening with ice and covered with snow. There was a clear path, except for the snow covering the ground, that led farther back, and Blaine tugged Kurt along, smiling to himself. He had never taken Kurt to his 'spot' before. It was a place that he kept to his self, hoping no one would bother him when he went. He had gone there many times in the last few months, needing a quiet place to think over what was going on.

Not even five minutes later, the trees broke and the path led into a vast meadow. The pond in the middle was frozen over and dusted with snow, the ground around them that was usually green with grass was covered in beautiful untouched snow. Blaine heard a sharp intake of breath from beside him and he smiled. "It's beautiful," Kurt breathed, white fog forming over his words.

"You should see it in the spring." Blaine had known about the meadow for years, spending many, many hours there. It was quiet and no one ever bothered him. When he needed to get away from his family, or the jocks at school, he'd run here. He'd lay out under a tree and nap, or just close his eyes against the sun and think. He'd sometimes bring his latest book and spend hours just reading. Blaine loved the peacefulness here.

Kurt's grip tightened on Blaine's arm as he grinned. Blaine looked at him, his stomach flip-flopping. Kurt was so beautiful, it was like he was made for the winter. His pale skin caused his cheeks to turn a noticeable pink in the cold, along with his adorable small nose. His ears were a bit red too, but the boy didn't seem to mind. A few snowflakes had fluttered down upon his hair and hadn't melted yet. He was an angel. He was Blaine's angel.

"I come here all the time. When I need time to myself or time to think, I come here. I've known about it for years, even before I met you. Which is weird, considering that you were so close and I never knew. I wish I had..." he murmured, tilting his head up to kiss Kurt softly. The cold was kind of comfortable around them, the two boys close together to try and keep the warmth between them.

"I think it's absolutely beautiful, and I'm glad you showed me this place... It seems like it really means something to you."

"You're the first person I ever told about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows about it since it's mowed every summer, but I like to think I am. And I want to share it with you... So it can be _our_ place."

"You're sweet," Kurt giggled, removing his arm from Blaine's and walking farther into the snow. "I love it..."

Blaine stayed in his spot, just watching Kurt. Light snow had begun to fall from the sky, fat snowflakes drifting trough the air and swirling around them. Kurt was so beautiful.

He turned and smiled at Blaine, before tilting his head back and sticking out his tongue to try and catch snowflakes on it. Blaine laughed, his mind wondering how he had gotten such a perfect person for a boyfriend.

This moment was perfect. In the last year, this was easily one of Kurt's best days. He was in pure bliss. Maybe he could end up being normal again.

Blaine was ran his gaze over the woods, smiling at the beauty surrounding them. Suddenly something cold hit him in the chest and exploded in to a wall of white. He laughed, looking up at Kurt once the snow had drifted from his sight. He was standing by the pond, an innocent look on his features. "Oh no, you didn't."

"Didn't what?" Kurt feigned, smiling.

Blaine chuckled and shook his head before hurrying forward and scooping up a handful of snow, not even trying to pat it down, before throwing it towards Kurt. It drifted down around him and he giggled, his hands coming up to cover his mouth. Blaine threw a playful gaze his way and Kurt gave him a 'come get me' look.

Well then.

Blaine bounded through the snow after Kurt, who took off, moving away from Blaine as quickly as possible. Blaine caught up to him soon enough and wrapped his arms around his waist, picking him up and spinning. Kurt was laughing loudly, his face flushed. Blaine lost his footing and tumbled backward into the snow, dragging Kurt with him.

He landed on top of Blaine, causing an _umph_ to escape Blaine's mouth. Kurt and Blaine were immobile with laughter, breathlessly giggling as Kurt just laid on top of Blaine, turning around so they were chest to chest. Blaine didn't even mind the snow that was slipping down the back of his coat as he stopped laughing and locked eyes with Kurt. He sat up, straddling Blaine's waist. Blaine rested his hands on his hips, Kurt leaning down to kiss Blaine slowly and passionately, a kiss he was beginning to get used to again.

"I love you," Kurt smiled, his lips pink when he pulled away.

Blaine smiled, breathless. "I love you..." he whispered, his fingers digging into the material of Kurt's coat.

Suddenly the weight of Kurt wasn't on him anymore and he sat up, chuckling as Kurt tried to brush the snow off himself. He reached out a hand, helping Blaine up. He intertwined his fingers with Blaine's, smiling softly.

Perfect.

Kurt giggled randomly, suddenly pulling Blaine towards the pond. "I don't know if that's safe, Kurt."

"Oh, hush, Blaine. I'm sure it's fine. We'll be fine!" he assured him, dragging him to the ice. When they got to the edge of the pond, Kurt gingerly stepped onto the ice, testing it. It didn't creak or crack underneath Kurt, so he pulled Blaine after him, smiling once they were both on the pond. It was slippery beneath their feet, the light dusting of snow giving little traction. Kurt let go of Blaine's hand and slid across the surface, his eyes wide and smile large. Blaine hadn't seen him so happy in months. Blaine decide that bringing him here was the best idea he had ever had.

Kurt continued to slide, laughing and giggling, his cheeks still flushed and hair in a frenzy. He held his hands out to Blaine, encouraging Blaine to join him. Blaine smiled and shrugged, sliding across the ice, holding out his hands so he wouldn't fall. He walked over Kurt, slipping a few times before he was able to wrap his arms around his boyfriend's waist and pull him close.

"You're beautiful." Blaine was blunt, and he smiled at Kurt's sheepish expression. He tilted his head, kissing the boy's cold cheek.

"Nothing could be more perfect," was all Kurt answered with a smile.

Soon enough, Christmas was right around the corner and Blaine was going crazy.

He still hadn't gotten Kurt a present. He didn't know what to get him, and he had no one to go to.

And at the same time, Kurt was having the same problem. Blaine was such a hard person to shop for.

When Christmas Eve came around, Blaine was jittery. He had gotten a last minute present, something small and simple. Something he hoped Kurt would like. He walked through the slowly falling snow to Kurt's house, the wind blowing slightly and chilling him to the bone. Slipping a bit on the ice, he walked up Kurt's porch steps and knocked on the door, smiling when Carole opened it.

"Aw, come on in, Blaine!" She ushered Blaine in, closing the door behind him to keep out the cold.

"Hey, Carole. Is Kurt in his room? I just stopped by to give him his Christmas present." Blaine asked politely, his gaze skipping to the stairs.

"Yeah, he's upstairs. It's nice to see you."

"Same here, Carole. Thank you." Blaine smiled at her before taking the steps two at a time, walking quickly to Kurt's room. He rapped his knuckles against the wood as he opened it, his smile growing wider at the sight of Kurt at his vanity. He had a robe wrapped around him, his hair damp and tangled. Blaine barely ever saw Kurt post-shower like this.

Kurt's eyes widened as he stood up, spinning around, his robe falling open to show Kurt's cute flannel pajamas. "What are you doing here?" His voice was frantic as he reached up to pat at his hair.

"I'm here to give you your Christmas present," Blaine grinned, stepping up to Kurt and swatting his hands away. "Stop fretting over how you look. You look fine. Perfect actually."

"Oh, hush..." Kurt ducked his head and blushed. Suddenly his head snapped up and his eyes grew even wider. "No, Blaine! Whatever you got me you have to take back!"

Blaine was taken aback at Kurt's bluntness. "Excuse me?"

"You can't get me-"

"Hey, don't you want to see it before you force me to give it back?" Blaine was kind of hurt at how quickly rejected the present before he saw it.

"Blaine-"

Blaine shook his head, "Hush." Kurt snapped his lips together, glaring at Blaine. Blaine fumbled around in his pocket before taking out a black velvet box.

"Blaine!" Kurt breathed. "Please tell me that isn't what I think it is."

Blaine shook his head quickly. "No. Not yet." He flipped open the top, exposing a silver band. "It's a promise ring."

Kurt looked down at the ring then up at Blaine, his eyes beginning to gloss over.

Blaine bit his lip for a moment. "It's a promise that we will be together someday in the future. We may part for college, and I get that. But I want you to be able to look down at this ring and now that I'll be waiting. I'll be waiting for you to come home and let me make you mine."

Kurt's fingers were covering his mouth, his breaths catching in his throat. "Oh, Blaine-" he choked out before began to cry.

"Kurt! What- why are you- why are you crying?" Blaine pulled him close after putting the box back in his pocket. Kurt shook against him for a moment before he pulled away just enough to talk, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Kurt..?"

"I-I didn't get you anything for Christmas. I didn't know what to get you... I feel like such an awful boyfriend."

"Kurt, come one. You aren't an awful boyfriend. I don't care about presents... You just being here, still in my arms is a present enough. I just got you a present because I saw this... And I wanted you to know I'd always be here..." Blaine hugged Kurt tighter, kissing Kurt's forehead. "Will you wear it?"

Kurt sniffled and hiccuped, nodding. "Of course."

Kurt pulled away and Blaine reached in his pocket, pulling out the box and the ring. He picked up Kurt's hand and slid the ring delicately onto Kurt's left hand ring finger. "There. Perfect fit..." he murmured, smiling down at it.

"It's beautiful. And perfect. And thank you." Kurt caught Blaine as he was looking up, pressing their lips together in a brief kiss. "I know what I want to give you for Christmas."

"I don't want anything, Kurt-"

"Blaine, it's going to be fine. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now... And it's important... And I can't give it to you now... But soon. Okay?" Kurt murmured.

"Kurt, you don't have to-"

"Blaine, just shut up," Kurt laughed, leaning forward to kiss him again.

December was going by so fast, the first month of perfection slipping right through the two boy's fingers. Winter vacation seemed to be going even faster and the boy's were terrified that the time they had was quickly slipping away.

What would they do when it was gone?


	15. Chapter 15

**The next chapter and this chapter were supposed to be one, but I decided to break the them into two.**_  
><em>

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><p><em>December 31st, 2011<em>

The Hummel-Hudson's house was filled to the brim with people. People talking and dancing and laughing, spending their last few moments of year together and making the best of it. Kurt knew he should have been trying to have more fun, to make the last few hours of the year the best of the worst year he'd ever had. But he couldn't.

There were so many people around, pushing against him, smiling and stopping him to try and get him in a conversation. Many of the Glee Club members tried to pull him up by the karaoke machine his dad had set up in the living room. He tried his best to politely tell them no, but he snapped when Rachel begged him for the tenth time. He was just trying to get upstairs. Away from the crowds and the blaring music. He already felt a headache forming in the back of his skull and he groaned, wanting to at least get to the kitchen. Blaine had been sucked into the crowd earlier, Kurt not being able to find him since the party started. Automatically that put a damper on the nights activities, Kurt feeling alone in the large pool of people.

Soon enough he was able to burst into the kitchen, taking in a deep breath as if he hadn't had air for hours. Carole was at the oven, checking on food. She turned and smiled at him. "Blaine was just in here a couple minutes ago asking where you were," she informed him, closing the oven door and going over to the counter.

Kurt's heart lifted at the thought that Blaine was looking for him too, but he still had a very slim chance of finding him. He shrugged and walked over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. "I've been trying to catch him all night and it hasn't worked," Kurt muttered forlornly. Carole was busy putting chips and dips in bowls and Kurt decided to join her. He ripped open a bag of Doritos and began to dump them into the large empty bowl before him.

"You'll find him, don't worry." Carole gave him a small smile as she scooped dip into small dishes.

"I hope so..." Kurt drifted off, looking down at the bag in his hands with a sad look.

"What's gotten you all in a twist? It's New Years Eve. You should be happy and making the best of the night!" Carole exclaimed, looking over at Kurt.

Kurt sighed, biting his lip for a moment. "I just... I just... I just was hoping for an awesome New Years. I was hoping to spend the night with Blaine, to have my first ever midnight kiss with him..." Kurt looked down at the bowl of chips. "Last year he was with family and I wasn't able to kiss him and I just want this night to perfect."

Carole gave him a knowing look before reaching over to squeeze his shoulder briefly. "You still have a couple hours. It'll be fine."

Kurt gave Carole a smile, "Thanks. I'm going to try and get upstairs now."

"You have fun with that," she laughed, patting his shoulder before turning back to the food.

Kurt grabbed his bottle of water and exited the kitchen, pushing through the people to the stairs, searching for Blaine. He finally burst through the wall of bodies and clambered up the stairs, his fingers gripping the banister as he pushed himself fast up the stairs and away from the crowd. He walked down the hall, shaking his head and closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and breathing evenly. He really just needed a minute to calm down. A minute of deep breathing and holding back the wave of tears that were thick on his throat-

Kurt gasped as he ran into someone, stumbling backwards. The person curled their fingers around Kurt's upper arms, pulling him up and balancing him. Fear ripped through Kurt for a moment as he tried to focus immediately, his first thoughts being that it was Jeremy. Then the strong, smooth hands cupped his face and soft lips were pushing against his.

He was stiff for a moment before he recognized the feeling of the lips, the smell that was intoxicating him. He let the anxiety roll off of him and let himself melt into the passionate kiss. When they pulled away Kurt gulped in lungfuls of air, opening his eyes to focus on the boy in front of him.

Blaine had a crooked smile on his lips, his cheeks a bit pink as his eyes searched Kurt's face. Kurt grinned, reaching up to place his hands on top of Blaine's. "I've been wanting to do that all night," Blaine breathed.

"I'm glad you did," Kurt murmured, his face flushed. "I've been looking for you all night."

"I've been looking for you too. I was worried I wouldn't find you in all those people. Not to mention Finn and the boys kept dragging me over to talk to them," Blaine explained, letting his hands drop from Kurt's face. He turned his hands and intertwined his fingers with Kurt's, happiness swirling inside of him.

"Remind me to scold them tomorrow," Kurt said, leaning down to capture Blaine's lips in a quick kiss.

"I will..." Blaine grinned as Kurt pulled away. Blaine squeezed Kurt's fingers and his grin grew bigger. "Hey, go get your coat and stuff. We're going for a walk."

"A walk? Blaine, the ball drops in less than 4 hours," Kurt said incredulously.

"Trust me," Blaine smiled, reaching up to run his fingertips across Kurt's jaw.

"Okay..." Kurt whispered, "I'll go get it now."

Soon enough Kurt met Blaine back at the top of the stairs, Blaine's hair and coat slightly ruffled as he smiled. "I had to get through the crowd again. It's quite hard to do when you're so popular here."

Kurt rolled his eyes as he pulled on his black fingerless gloves.

Blaine chuckled, leaning up to kiss Kurt's cheek before grabbing his hand. "Let's go."

Blaine dragged Kurt down the stairs and helped him through the crowd, trying to stay away from the questioning gazes they were seeing. They finally got to the door, bursting out into the cold air that was blowing. The snow had melted, leaving brown grass and small puddles of slush in it's wake. Most of the street and ground were dry, the weather being weird the last few days. It hadn't snowed since Christmas, and it hadn't rained either. It has just been cold, the temperature constantly dropping.

Kurt laughed as Blaine began to run, still gripping Kurt's hand tightly. Kurt began to run after him, fumbling a little as he tried to work out his feet, then he was running alongside Blaine with a smile. The wind was whipping against them, turning their noses and cheeks red and causes their lips to dry, but the two boys didn't care.

People in the neighborhood had kept their Christmas lights up, just like every year, waiting for the day after New Years to take them down. Blaine slowed down, looking over a Kurt with his red face and large smile. "I love your neighborhood," He said breathlessly, pulling Kurt to his side as he giggle. Kurt curled an arm around Blaine's back and hugged him close, smiling as they looked at the lights decorating the houses. "Everyone else takes them down before New Years. But I come here and they're always up. I love Christmas lights."

Kurt loved how Blaine was babbling, but they were alone and in the light of the Christmas lights around them, Kurt pulled Blaine close, chest to chest, and pressed his cold lips against his. Blaine sucked in a surprised breath before tilting his head and reaching up to tangle his fingers in Kurt's coiffed hair, messing it up. But Kurt didn't mind, because this moment was perfect. The way Blaine was kissing him, the scene around them. It was like from some romance movie that always made Kurt complain about how cliche it was.

Blaine and Kurt were bob breathless and dazed when they pulled away, clutching each other close, the warmth of their bodies mixing together. "Come on," Blaine mumbled, grabbing Kurt's hand and pulling him down the street again. When he began to jog, Kurt ran, laughing as Blaine was the one being pulled behind. Blaine shook his head and chuckled as he picked up the pace, squeezing Kurt's hand in his.

Soon they were standing in front of the woods with the path that lead to the meadow. Blaine gripped Kurt's hand tightly and pulled him close. "Close you eyes," he breathed into Kurt's ear, causing a shiver to run down Kurt's spine. Kurt nodded, closing his eyes as Blaine began to walk them down the path.

When they stopped, Kurt was vibrating with the need to look, his patience stretched to the limit. "Blaine?" he all but whined.

Blaine chuckled, stepped behind Kurt to wrap his arms around his waist and hook his chin on the taller boy's shoulder. "Okay, fine. Open your eyes," he said, kissing the shell of Kurt's ear.

Kurt opened his eyes and laughed, tilting his head back to lay it on Blaine's shoulder, still giggling. Blaine pouted playfully. "Hey! Don't laugh!"

By the pond were a few candles in White paper bags, flickering in the wind. They were arranged in a circle, a New Years hat and tiara sitting in the middle along with a bottle of sparkling grape juice, wine glasses, and the small plastic wine bottles filled with tiny streamers.

"I love it!" Kurt giggled, pulling Blaine over to the little display. "The ground isn't wet is it?"

"No! Or I would have brought a blanket. I think things through now and then, Mister Hummel." Blaine stated, stepping into the circle and sitting down. Kurt followed his lead, sitting down and crossing his legs, reaching out for the glittered tiara.

"Am I the one who's supposed to wear the tiara, because seriously, Blaine." Kurt said, cocking an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

"You don't have to," Blaine explained. "You can have me wear it and you can wear the hat. That's all that was left when I got to them earlier."

Kurt nodded, smiling to himself as he settled the tiara on his head. "Of course, I'm wearing the tiara. I love them," he giggled.

Blaine smiled dreamily at him before reaching over and grabbing the New Years black top hat to settle it on his head. "Now, for the drinks." Blaine grabbed the bottle of what Kurt had thought was sparkling grape juice at first.

"You have actual wine? Blaine! How did you-" Kurt sputtered as his eyes widened.

"I didn't think Carole or your dad would miss it," Blaine shrugged, popping out the cork and smiling at Kurt. "Glass?"

Kurt shook his head in disbelief but grabbed one of the wine glasses and held it out for Blaine to fill.

Blaine filled his own and held it out for Kurt to clink his glass against his. "To a new year full of love and happiness, and the hope to pull through the challenges ahead," Blaine said quietly.

Kurt smiled but brought the glass to his lips, looking at Blaine as he downed the wine. Blaine smiled, tilting his head to the side for a moment.

An hour later and the wine bottle was discarded outside the circle of flickering candles, empty. Kurt and Blaine were tangled together, giggling and sharing sweet kisses as they tried to stay warm. "What time is?" Kurt asked, practically sitting in Blaine's lap. His stomach was twisting and a warm feeling was sloshy around inside, making more and more giggles bubble from his lips.

Blaine pulled out his phone, smiling. "11:37."

Kurt kissed Blaine on the cheek. "It's almost time."

"Yeah... Here... Let me set a timer," Blaine twisted himself to be able to get a timer on his phone, counting down till the new year. He set it on the dead grass below them and turned back to kiss Kurt quickly.

"This is it," Kurt murmured. "The year is almost over."

"I can't wait... So we can forget about everything and start anew."

Kurt looked out at the pond, the moon's reflection glistening on the glass-like surface.

"Hey-" Blaine said, reaching down and picking up one of the plastic wine bottles, handing it to Kurt. "Here."

Kurt turned it over in his hand and giggled. Blaine picked up his own and cocked an eyebrow at Kurt. Kurt pointed his towards the sky, Blaine following suite, Kurt pulling the little string at the bottom. With a loud pop, tiny colorful streamers escaped from the tiny bottles, fluttering in the air around them as Kurt and Blaine dissolved into laughter. They tangled themselves together again as they laid back on the grass, looking up into the starry sky. Kurt turned on his side and cuddled up against Blaine, flinging his arm over Blaine's stomach with a small smile.

The minutes ticked by and Kurt and Blaine stayed silent as they looked up into the sky. Blaine picked up his phone and sighed softly, "12 seconds."

"11," Kurt murmured in his ear.

"10."

"9."

"8."

7... Kurt caught Blaine's gaze as he looked over, smiling.

6...5... Blaine reached over and ran his fingertips along Kurt's jaw, to his ear and up into his hair.

4...3... Kurt giggled softly, moving closer to Blaine, blushing softly at the look Blaine was giving him.

2... Blaine's eyes glanced down at Kurt's lips before looking back up to catch his gaze as he leaned forward, his lips a breath away from Blaine's.

"1..." Blaine whispered, finally leaning forward to capture Kurt's lips in a slow, sweet kiss. Kurt's eyes fluttered close as he moved his lips with Blaine's, so perfect and slow, everything Kurt ever wanted.

Kurt pulled away, blushing as he rubbed his nose against Blaine's. "Happy New Year, Blaine..." he whispered.

"Happy New Year, Kurt," Blaine murmured, pressing his lips to Kurt's once more.

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><p><strong>So much cute fluffiness, these two needed it. But it can't last long, nothing lasts forever.<strong>


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